If you hadn't noticed already, I've posted links on the sidebar to all of the photos of my Korean life that I've uploaded thus far. I just added more today from of the Korean countryside as seen from a train window around sunset.
Here you can find a lot of pictures I took from the train on the way back from my trip to 안동 (Andong):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2698201&id=2356262&l=7714f19d2a
Here are some from 서울 (Seoul) and 부산 (Busan):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2708203&id=2356262&l=fc9c9b4279
These are from when I first arrived:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2676050&id=2356262&l=3be7996bda
And these are from a few weeks after I first arrived, during the cherry blossom festival:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2683709&id=2356262&l=e5df13907c
On March 26, 2009, I left my life in America and moved to South Korea. I put my worldly possessions into two suitcases and a backpack and got on a plane. On December 8, 2012, I returned not to my hometown of Detroit, but to Silicon Valley, California, where I married an Indian engineer. In 2020, I divorced and moved to southern California. In this blog are my successes, failures, and observations of life in different cultures.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
More Traveling!! And not just me...
Wow so busy~!
Last weekend I went to 안동 (Andong) with my boyfriend. I had a long weekend so I told him I wanted to travel. We each chose two places we wanted to go, and then chose one from that list. His mother and aunts and grandmother live in/around 안동 (Andong) so it was the least expensive choice and he's familiar with the area.
My boyfriend's family really likes me. When we got off the bus in 안동 (Andong) Friday evening, we walked around for a ridiculously long time seeing a couple of sights and being cute together, then caught a taxi to his mother's apartment pretty late at night. At first I was really shy because 1. I was meeting my boyfriend's mother and 2. I can't speak Korean all that well. But, she was so excited to have us there and prepared some watermelon, beer, and snacks and we all chatted and ate together. There was a lot of "pass" said, which is what my boyfriend and I say when we can't understand each other, but it's amazing how little those moments detract from conversation.
Saturday we went to his aunt's restaurant, which is within walking distance of his mother's home. I swear, his aunt makes the best 육계장 (yukgae jang, a spicy beef and vegetable soup that is my favorite Korean food) and delicious 김밥 (kimbab, like Korean sushi rolls). His aunt asked me some questions, and with only a little trouble, I was able to understand and answer. Granted, they were simple questions like "When did you come to Korea?" "How old are you?" "Are you a student?" "Why did you come to Korea?" "How do you like Korea?" etc. I hear those questions all the time so I'm used to answering them in Korean. Then, while my boyfriend and I were eating, his cousins came in because their mother called them saying "규원이 (Kyu Won) is here with his girlfriend". They were two young boys, and very curious but shy. The younger one didn't believe I was really dating his cousin. My boyfriend wanted me to speak to them in English, but I didn't know what to say, and when I asked the younger one simple questions like "What is your name?" and "How old are you?" and "Do you go to school?" he didn't answer me. I felt like a monkey in a zoo, with everyone talking in Korean and looking at me and expecting me to do something, but neither I nor them knew what that something was. It was seriously awkward and I kind of wanted to disappear. But I knew that if I spent more time with them it would become more comfortable, so I put on a smiling face and tried my best. Then his other aunt and little girl cousin came. No kidding, that little girl speaks English better than even my boyfriend. She was by far the best among all of them, and also the youngest. She studies in an academy with a native English speaking teacher, and she wants to study in an English speaking country. At first, though, even she was shy. She also couldn't believe I was dating her cousin. It took a while to prove it.
My boyfriend and I were planning to go to a fish festival or just wander together, but his cousins wanted us to go to their grandmother's house with them. Since I don't really like fish and I was curious about the Korean countryside, I was up for it. So we crammed into a taxi with his aunt and three cousins and headed to the countryside. It was so beautiful. I was really nervous to meet his grandmother because I've heard that many Korean grandparents would never approve of their grandchildren dating foreigners. But, she really liked me. We all sat around in the living room chatting (mostly me listening and watching, understanding very little) and eating fruit as quickly as his aunt could cut it. Everyone kept giving me more fruit even when I was still eating, so I ended up with a toothpick topped by a peach (maybe peach?) in each hand and a nervous giggle. Culture note: around his grandmother, I had to sit on the couch with my feet flat on the floor, not touching my boyfriend at all. The older Korean generation's definition of PDA (public displays of affection) is very strict. Holding hands in public is as bad as making out. So when we were sitting together and his arm was around me, his grandmother walked in the room and fussed and separated us. Then his cousin told me to uncross my legs, because I guess that's disrespectful or unladylike here. I'm not 100% sure why on that one, but lesson learned.
After eating fruit, we went with the cousins to wade in the nearby stream and hang out. By the time we waded down the stony, mossy stream to the little dam, nobody was shy anymore. His cousins were teasing us and picking cattails to make couple rings. The little girl picked some flowers for me. They were all trying to use as much English as they could and were teaching each other and asking questions. I was trying to use as much Korean as I could, too. Then we were called back to the house for dinner. We ate home-cooked, flavorful, melt-in-your-mouth 불고기 (bulgogi = beef) and country side dishes (every meal in Korea must have side dishes- they even serve pickles with pizza) outside. His grandmother insisted that I try everything and even handed me some potato. Everyone wanted to do something for me, and when it was time for my boyfriend and I to go to catch the bus, his cousin ran inside the house to get my purse for me. His grandmother gave him travel money and walked us to the bus stop, and even gave me a hug when we left, making sure to tell the bus driver where we were going so he could tell us when to get off. On the bus, the passengers were chatting with each other and with the driver, and they were sharing corn with everyone. I was handed two ears of corn with smiles, and my boyfriend and I munched all the way. When we finished an ear of corn, we simply threw it out the window like everyone else. After returning to civilization, we wandered around for hours and then returned to his mother's place. We all watched TV together, and we ate watermelon and snacks again.
Sunday, we wandered around, ate more delicious food, and got on a train back to Seoul. I should also mention that his mother gave me a shirt, some hair ties, and a 하회탈 (ha hweh tal- please correct my Korean spelling- traditional Korean mask, a symbol of 안동 (Andong) and of Korea) necklace that was won in a marathon and therefore very special. Anyway, I'm looking forward to returning there and visiting all of them again in the future.
I didn't come to Korea to be just a tourist, so getting to meet my boyfriend's family and go to the true countryside (which some Koreans haven't even seen) was a great experience. Actually, it reminded me a lot of my own family. Much of my family lives in the countryside, and I actually spent many years celebrating corn in Iowa every August with my mother's grandparents, parents, and so many relatives I couldn't remember all of their names. My great-grandparents passed away when I was in high school, so we don't go to that small town every year anymore, but those memories will always be an integral part of my childhood. Interestingly, the corn in Korea tastes very different than the corn in America. I can't really describe it. They're both good. Anyway, most of my father's side of the family lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I'm related to probably a third of the people in the county, and my various relatives farm pecans, corn, soybeans, and even pigs. I'm sure I'm missing a few crops, but again, I don't even know the names of many of my relatives. I have hundreds of relatives and I don't see them much. Despite all of the glaring differences, like rice fields and mountains instead of endless plains of corn and cattle, Korean countryside people seem to be, at the core, the same as American countryside people. Relaxed, friendly, sharing, and appreciative of the simple things in life. Of course, this is a broad generalization of both nations, but this is just my experience. When I walked into my boyfriend's grandmother's house, my heart ached for a moment because it looked and felt and even smelled similar to my great-grandparents' home in Iowa and my great-grandmother's home in Missouri (she's still alive and farming). Even the way his family treated me was the same way my family treats new boyfriends and girlfriends who are brave enough to meet all of us. For the first time in my life, I really feel like a country person. I think there's a little farmer in me that will never quite fade. Although I don't want to live in the countryside, I feel at home there. It's a strange contradiction, I know, but the atmosphere feels so familiar and cozy to me. The problem is that I'd go stir-crazy and get bored. So far I love the big city because every day is different and I see so many different faces that I don't have to worry that they're making rumors about me or that I have to be careful of my actions so they won't judge me. Also, everything I need is within walking distance and public transportation is amazing. But sometimes I really wish I had someplace to be alone, to scream, to cry, to sing, to write, to breathe, to relax, to be a person instead of feeling like there are eyes on me. I have to be quiet in my room because the walls are thin and many, many people live here. I have to be respectable in public because I'm a representative of American culture, and on a more basic level because I'm a person and I don't want to look stupid in front of other people. I've developed one dual identity: human and American. Now I'm developing a second: country girl and city girl. In America, I was always a suburban girl, so it's strange that I've become somewhat homesick for a countryside life I've never actually lived.
Upon returning to Seoul, I met my friend Reza, who was visiting from 울산 (Ulsan). You might remember him as one of the friends I visited when I went there a few weeks ago. Here's a hint: he's the British one. Anyway, because we met so late at night we stayed out all night and ate, chatted, and hung out in an Indian-style cafe, then took the first train home (well, him to a hotel, me to home). Then I got a little sleep and woke up the next day feeling kind of sick, with a mildly painful case of diarrhea. Ignoring that, I went out again Monday night with Reza, my friend Julia who just moved here less than a month ago, and my boyfriend and two of his friends. Out of the foreigners, my Korean was the best. Out of the Koreans, my boyfriend's English was the best. My boyfriend and I have a hard time communicating relatively often, so you can imagine the six of us had quite the struggle. But, we all had a great time. One of my boyfriend's friends came up with the idea that at dinner, we should all introduce ourselves in the other language (Koreans in English, foreigners in Korean). It was both hilarious and a good language-barrier ice breaker because I think I was the only one who didn't have much trouble. I've been introducing myself in Korean for four months so I have that pretty much down-pat. It's the whole 'real conversation' thing I'm still working on. At the end of the evening, contact information was exchanged and we all said goodbye. It was one of the most awkwardly fun nights I've had in Korea. I love when people can try hard and laugh when they fail. Most of the conversation was in English, because they speak more English than we do Korean. Well, I might be even with them by now but I stumble a lot, and my vocabulary is only very utilitarian. I can talk about myself, make plans, buy things, give and ask for directions, and tell simple stories (the latter usually ends up extremely choppy). Most Koreans I know have a more well-rounded English vocabulary because they learned English from books, but they have a lot of trouble speaking because they don't learn speaking in class and they don't have many chances to practice. Also, I think the biggest problem is confidence and the intimidating fact that I'm often the first native speaker they've tried to talk to. I know I'm still nervous to talk to Koreans in Korean, Japanese people in Japanese, and French people in French. A couple of my friends have told me that my biggest problem speaking Korean is that I lack confidence so sentences often come out as questions because I'm more asking if I'm saying something right than just saying it.
Tuesday I was really sick. Abdominal pain, diarrhea, vomiting (which I haven't done in years), and lightheadedness. My boyfriend had had a stomachache, too, on Monday, so we guessed it was food poisoning from something we ate together in 안동 (Andong). I canceled all of my plans and spent half the day trying to sleep but being called every hour or two (unusual... most Koreans just text) and the other half between the bathroom, the computer, and bed. On Wednesday when I re-emerged into the real world, one of the first things I heard was "Wow you got a lot slimmer! Did you lose 2 or 3 kilograms?? Maybe I should get food poisoning!" Actually, that reminds me- I don't know if I mentioned it before but I've lost almost 10 kilograms since coming here. That's about 20 pounds, I think. I was at a pretty heavy weight, even for me, when I left America, so I still have to lose another 5 kilograms to be the skinniest I've been since early middle school. Causes of weight loss: public transportation, healthier food, and living alone but sharing a kitchen with many people (just think about the last one and you can imagine my eating habits at home).
This week's strangest encounters with people: I was in an elevator with a guy on my way to work and he said "hi" when we had almost reached the first floor. He then walked with me out of the building, talking in Korean and English, gave me his business card, and asked me for my phone number. He works for Rosetta Stone, the company I have to thank for SharedTalk.com which is where I have met most of my friends here including my boyfriend, and he seemed nice, so I gave it to him. He called me a few days later, but I was busy. We might get dinner later, we might not. It doesn't really matter to me because as a business contact he probably couldn't be of much use to me, and I have a boyfriend whom I love so there's no romantic intrigue. On Wednesday- or maybe it was Thursday, more strangers randomly talked to me than any other day I can remember. It was truly strange and I have no explanation except maybe cosmic coincidence. Yesterday evening I got out of the shower and a small, drunk, middle-aged woman who had been trying to puke in the toilet said "미안해요" ("I'm sorry") and hugged me for at least a minute, talking in a continuous stream that I couldn't understand. I didn't know what to do, so I just rubbed her back in a comforting way. Then she pulled away a little and apologized again, and she looked like she was going to kiss me. I was freaking out a bit, so I said, "I'm sorry but I should go to my room" as I stood there with wet hair, wrapped in a towel, and holding my shower basket and underwear. She said "I know that too, but I'm sorry," and hugged me again. She talked some more, then let me go and said "고마워요" ("Thank you"). I left, confused, and almost forgot to leave the bathroom slippers in the bathroom as I stepped out. The owner of my 고시원 (goshiweon) keeps asking me to spend half an hour chatting with him in the kitchen. He always mentions this when I'm going out, coming out of the shower, or otherwise obviously busy. I want to talk to him, but it's a very awkward situation in terms of timing. Also, he can't really speak English and I can't really speak Korean. He wants me to help him with English, I think. Usually I don't understand most of what he says. If I don't get something, he just says it more slowly instead of using easier vocabulary.
I'm watching Shrek 2 dubbed in Korean. Odd.
Side note - my earlier post "Fame" is getting a lot of attention. I thank everyone for your encouragement, insight, support, and even for your criticism (the valid and constructive kind, not the childish kind). Since that aspect of my experience here is such a hot topic, I'll make a conscious effort to include events and thoughts related to my minority status in future posts.
Last weekend I went to 안동 (Andong) with my boyfriend. I had a long weekend so I told him I wanted to travel. We each chose two places we wanted to go, and then chose one from that list. His mother and aunts and grandmother live in/around 안동 (Andong) so it was the least expensive choice and he's familiar with the area.
My boyfriend's family really likes me. When we got off the bus in 안동 (Andong) Friday evening, we walked around for a ridiculously long time seeing a couple of sights and being cute together, then caught a taxi to his mother's apartment pretty late at night. At first I was really shy because 1. I was meeting my boyfriend's mother and 2. I can't speak Korean all that well. But, she was so excited to have us there and prepared some watermelon, beer, and snacks and we all chatted and ate together. There was a lot of "pass" said, which is what my boyfriend and I say when we can't understand each other, but it's amazing how little those moments detract from conversation.
Saturday we went to his aunt's restaurant, which is within walking distance of his mother's home. I swear, his aunt makes the best 육계장 (yukgae jang, a spicy beef and vegetable soup that is my favorite Korean food) and delicious 김밥 (kimbab, like Korean sushi rolls). His aunt asked me some questions, and with only a little trouble, I was able to understand and answer. Granted, they were simple questions like "When did you come to Korea?" "How old are you?" "Are you a student?" "Why did you come to Korea?" "How do you like Korea?" etc. I hear those questions all the time so I'm used to answering them in Korean. Then, while my boyfriend and I were eating, his cousins came in because their mother called them saying "규원이 (Kyu Won) is here with his girlfriend". They were two young boys, and very curious but shy. The younger one didn't believe I was really dating his cousin. My boyfriend wanted me to speak to them in English, but I didn't know what to say, and when I asked the younger one simple questions like "What is your name?" and "How old are you?" and "Do you go to school?" he didn't answer me. I felt like a monkey in a zoo, with everyone talking in Korean and looking at me and expecting me to do something, but neither I nor them knew what that something was. It was seriously awkward and I kind of wanted to disappear. But I knew that if I spent more time with them it would become more comfortable, so I put on a smiling face and tried my best. Then his other aunt and little girl cousin came. No kidding, that little girl speaks English better than even my boyfriend. She was by far the best among all of them, and also the youngest. She studies in an academy with a native English speaking teacher, and she wants to study in an English speaking country. At first, though, even she was shy. She also couldn't believe I was dating her cousin. It took a while to prove it.
My boyfriend and I were planning to go to a fish festival or just wander together, but his cousins wanted us to go to their grandmother's house with them. Since I don't really like fish and I was curious about the Korean countryside, I was up for it. So we crammed into a taxi with his aunt and three cousins and headed to the countryside. It was so beautiful. I was really nervous to meet his grandmother because I've heard that many Korean grandparents would never approve of their grandchildren dating foreigners. But, she really liked me. We all sat around in the living room chatting (mostly me listening and watching, understanding very little) and eating fruit as quickly as his aunt could cut it. Everyone kept giving me more fruit even when I was still eating, so I ended up with a toothpick topped by a peach (maybe peach?) in each hand and a nervous giggle. Culture note: around his grandmother, I had to sit on the couch with my feet flat on the floor, not touching my boyfriend at all. The older Korean generation's definition of PDA (public displays of affection) is very strict. Holding hands in public is as bad as making out. So when we were sitting together and his arm was around me, his grandmother walked in the room and fussed and separated us. Then his cousin told me to uncross my legs, because I guess that's disrespectful or unladylike here. I'm not 100% sure why on that one, but lesson learned.
After eating fruit, we went with the cousins to wade in the nearby stream and hang out. By the time we waded down the stony, mossy stream to the little dam, nobody was shy anymore. His cousins were teasing us and picking cattails to make couple rings. The little girl picked some flowers for me. They were all trying to use as much English as they could and were teaching each other and asking questions. I was trying to use as much Korean as I could, too. Then we were called back to the house for dinner. We ate home-cooked, flavorful, melt-in-your-mouth 불고기 (bulgogi = beef) and country side dishes (every meal in Korea must have side dishes- they even serve pickles with pizza) outside. His grandmother insisted that I try everything and even handed me some potato. Everyone wanted to do something for me, and when it was time for my boyfriend and I to go to catch the bus, his cousin ran inside the house to get my purse for me. His grandmother gave him travel money and walked us to the bus stop, and even gave me a hug when we left, making sure to tell the bus driver where we were going so he could tell us when to get off. On the bus, the passengers were chatting with each other and with the driver, and they were sharing corn with everyone. I was handed two ears of corn with smiles, and my boyfriend and I munched all the way. When we finished an ear of corn, we simply threw it out the window like everyone else. After returning to civilization, we wandered around for hours and then returned to his mother's place. We all watched TV together, and we ate watermelon and snacks again.
Sunday, we wandered around, ate more delicious food, and got on a train back to Seoul. I should also mention that his mother gave me a shirt, some hair ties, and a 하회탈 (ha hweh tal- please correct my Korean spelling- traditional Korean mask, a symbol of 안동 (Andong) and of Korea) necklace that was won in a marathon and therefore very special. Anyway, I'm looking forward to returning there and visiting all of them again in the future.
I didn't come to Korea to be just a tourist, so getting to meet my boyfriend's family and go to the true countryside (which some Koreans haven't even seen) was a great experience. Actually, it reminded me a lot of my own family. Much of my family lives in the countryside, and I actually spent many years celebrating corn in Iowa every August with my mother's grandparents, parents, and so many relatives I couldn't remember all of their names. My great-grandparents passed away when I was in high school, so we don't go to that small town every year anymore, but those memories will always be an integral part of my childhood. Interestingly, the corn in Korea tastes very different than the corn in America. I can't really describe it. They're both good. Anyway, most of my father's side of the family lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I'm related to probably a third of the people in the county, and my various relatives farm pecans, corn, soybeans, and even pigs. I'm sure I'm missing a few crops, but again, I don't even know the names of many of my relatives. I have hundreds of relatives and I don't see them much. Despite all of the glaring differences, like rice fields and mountains instead of endless plains of corn and cattle, Korean countryside people seem to be, at the core, the same as American countryside people. Relaxed, friendly, sharing, and appreciative of the simple things in life. Of course, this is a broad generalization of both nations, but this is just my experience. When I walked into my boyfriend's grandmother's house, my heart ached for a moment because it looked and felt and even smelled similar to my great-grandparents' home in Iowa and my great-grandmother's home in Missouri (she's still alive and farming). Even the way his family treated me was the same way my family treats new boyfriends and girlfriends who are brave enough to meet all of us. For the first time in my life, I really feel like a country person. I think there's a little farmer in me that will never quite fade. Although I don't want to live in the countryside, I feel at home there. It's a strange contradiction, I know, but the atmosphere feels so familiar and cozy to me. The problem is that I'd go stir-crazy and get bored. So far I love the big city because every day is different and I see so many different faces that I don't have to worry that they're making rumors about me or that I have to be careful of my actions so they won't judge me. Also, everything I need is within walking distance and public transportation is amazing. But sometimes I really wish I had someplace to be alone, to scream, to cry, to sing, to write, to breathe, to relax, to be a person instead of feeling like there are eyes on me. I have to be quiet in my room because the walls are thin and many, many people live here. I have to be respectable in public because I'm a representative of American culture, and on a more basic level because I'm a person and I don't want to look stupid in front of other people. I've developed one dual identity: human and American. Now I'm developing a second: country girl and city girl. In America, I was always a suburban girl, so it's strange that I've become somewhat homesick for a countryside life I've never actually lived.
Upon returning to Seoul, I met my friend Reza, who was visiting from 울산 (Ulsan). You might remember him as one of the friends I visited when I went there a few weeks ago. Here's a hint: he's the British one. Anyway, because we met so late at night we stayed out all night and ate, chatted, and hung out in an Indian-style cafe, then took the first train home (well, him to a hotel, me to home). Then I got a little sleep and woke up the next day feeling kind of sick, with a mildly painful case of diarrhea. Ignoring that, I went out again Monday night with Reza, my friend Julia who just moved here less than a month ago, and my boyfriend and two of his friends. Out of the foreigners, my Korean was the best. Out of the Koreans, my boyfriend's English was the best. My boyfriend and I have a hard time communicating relatively often, so you can imagine the six of us had quite the struggle. But, we all had a great time. One of my boyfriend's friends came up with the idea that at dinner, we should all introduce ourselves in the other language (Koreans in English, foreigners in Korean). It was both hilarious and a good language-barrier ice breaker because I think I was the only one who didn't have much trouble. I've been introducing myself in Korean for four months so I have that pretty much down-pat. It's the whole 'real conversation' thing I'm still working on. At the end of the evening, contact information was exchanged and we all said goodbye. It was one of the most awkwardly fun nights I've had in Korea. I love when people can try hard and laugh when they fail. Most of the conversation was in English, because they speak more English than we do Korean. Well, I might be even with them by now but I stumble a lot, and my vocabulary is only very utilitarian. I can talk about myself, make plans, buy things, give and ask for directions, and tell simple stories (the latter usually ends up extremely choppy). Most Koreans I know have a more well-rounded English vocabulary because they learned English from books, but they have a lot of trouble speaking because they don't learn speaking in class and they don't have many chances to practice. Also, I think the biggest problem is confidence and the intimidating fact that I'm often the first native speaker they've tried to talk to. I know I'm still nervous to talk to Koreans in Korean, Japanese people in Japanese, and French people in French. A couple of my friends have told me that my biggest problem speaking Korean is that I lack confidence so sentences often come out as questions because I'm more asking if I'm saying something right than just saying it.
Tuesday I was really sick. Abdominal pain, diarrhea, vomiting (which I haven't done in years), and lightheadedness. My boyfriend had had a stomachache, too, on Monday, so we guessed it was food poisoning from something we ate together in 안동 (Andong). I canceled all of my plans and spent half the day trying to sleep but being called every hour or two (unusual... most Koreans just text) and the other half between the bathroom, the computer, and bed. On Wednesday when I re-emerged into the real world, one of the first things I heard was "Wow you got a lot slimmer! Did you lose 2 or 3 kilograms?? Maybe I should get food poisoning!" Actually, that reminds me- I don't know if I mentioned it before but I've lost almost 10 kilograms since coming here. That's about 20 pounds, I think. I was at a pretty heavy weight, even for me, when I left America, so I still have to lose another 5 kilograms to be the skinniest I've been since early middle school. Causes of weight loss: public transportation, healthier food, and living alone but sharing a kitchen with many people (just think about the last one and you can imagine my eating habits at home).
This week's strangest encounters with people: I was in an elevator with a guy on my way to work and he said "hi" when we had almost reached the first floor. He then walked with me out of the building, talking in Korean and English, gave me his business card, and asked me for my phone number. He works for Rosetta Stone, the company I have to thank for SharedTalk.com which is where I have met most of my friends here including my boyfriend, and he seemed nice, so I gave it to him. He called me a few days later, but I was busy. We might get dinner later, we might not. It doesn't really matter to me because as a business contact he probably couldn't be of much use to me, and I have a boyfriend whom I love so there's no romantic intrigue. On Wednesday- or maybe it was Thursday, more strangers randomly talked to me than any other day I can remember. It was truly strange and I have no explanation except maybe cosmic coincidence. Yesterday evening I got out of the shower and a small, drunk, middle-aged woman who had been trying to puke in the toilet said "미안해요" ("I'm sorry") and hugged me for at least a minute, talking in a continuous stream that I couldn't understand. I didn't know what to do, so I just rubbed her back in a comforting way. Then she pulled away a little and apologized again, and she looked like she was going to kiss me. I was freaking out a bit, so I said, "I'm sorry but I should go to my room" as I stood there with wet hair, wrapped in a towel, and holding my shower basket and underwear. She said "I know that too, but I'm sorry," and hugged me again. She talked some more, then let me go and said "고마워요" ("Thank you"). I left, confused, and almost forgot to leave the bathroom slippers in the bathroom as I stepped out. The owner of my 고시원 (goshiweon) keeps asking me to spend half an hour chatting with him in the kitchen. He always mentions this when I'm going out, coming out of the shower, or otherwise obviously busy. I want to talk to him, but it's a very awkward situation in terms of timing. Also, he can't really speak English and I can't really speak Korean. He wants me to help him with English, I think. Usually I don't understand most of what he says. If I don't get something, he just says it more slowly instead of using easier vocabulary.
I'm watching Shrek 2 dubbed in Korean. Odd.
Side note - my earlier post "Fame" is getting a lot of attention. I thank everyone for your encouragement, insight, support, and even for your criticism (the valid and constructive kind, not the childish kind). Since that aspect of my experience here is such a hot topic, I'll make a conscious effort to include events and thoughts related to my minority status in future posts.
Monday, July 27, 2009
New Places and New (and familiar) Faces
I took a weekend trip to 울산 (Ulsan) on the south side of Korea last weekend to meet my friend, who has been an email and instant messenger friend since January or so. His name is 성동 (Sungdong), and I helped him find a British friend a while ago, whose name is Reza. I spent the entire weekend with those two guys. We went to 부산 (Busan) as well and met Reza's friend Eve and some of her friends. Basically, it was a social bonanza and exactly what I needed to get over my stir-craziness. As far as my impression of the area, it's about the same as the Seoul area, but with a beach and higher mountains. It's gorgeous, really, and I look forward to returning whenever I get the chance. I feel right at home with 성동 (Sungdong) and Reza, like they could be my cousins or brothers, and I'm sure I will miss them after a while. By the time I got back to 분당 (Bundang), I was refreshed, a little tan, exhausted from traveling, and missing my friend 규원 (Edward) a lot.
I got back home and back to daily life. 규원 (Edward) took me to a 찜질방 (jjimjilbang, like a sauna and public bath house) Monday night. He researched which one was the most famous in Seoul, as he had done for a noodle restaurant the week before. It turned out to be the new spa at Garden 5, an under-construction 3-building mega-mall which takes up 3 city blocks. It was difficult to find, and when we finally got there he tried to explain what I was supposed to do. For all of you Americans, let me just say it's something you've probably never tried before. There are separate shower rooms for men and women. When you enter, you get a key that works for two lockers: one for your shoes and one inside the shower area. You also get two hand towels (Koreans generally don't use large towels like Americans do) and a shirt and shorts; in this place brown for women and tan for men. When I walked in the door to the women's side, the first thing I noticed (which 규원 (Edward) had warned me of) was that most of the women there were 100% naked and completely unashamed. Korean society is very conservative about sexual things, and here before my eyes were girls and women of all ages with absolutely no clothes on, acting completely normally. I asked a middle-aged woman in lacy lingerie where I was supposed to go, adding that it was my first time. She led me to a locker with my number (17) and said to put everything in there and then the shower room was the other way. I was unsure and embarrassed, and started taking off articles of clothing one by one, starting with my socks, jewelry, and hair tie. I watched as another woman wearing clothes passed me to go further into the locker area. I pretended to be primping and checking cell phones messages until I saw her walk by the other way, completely naked and holding a towel. Thus, I was assured that was what I was supposed to do. By then I was in pants and a bra, so I stripped and followed suit. In the shower room there was a large bath with some women relaxing and girls playing, and rows of half-height showers with mirrors and stools. There were also full-height showers without any dividers, like swimming locker rooms in high schools. I saw a couple of women getting massages, too, but I didn't know if you had to pay for that or not. I was still self-conscious about my naked body so I didn't want to draw attention to myself by exploring or asking questions. I just found a shower with a stool in an empty row, sat down, spent about 3 minutes figuring out how to turn the water on, and grabbed the bar of soap. After bathing, I walked back to my locker completely bare past all of the other completely bare women and donned the brown shirt and shorts. With my key on its stretchy bracelet around my wrist, I entered the main area to meet 규원 (Edward).
He had said to meet him in the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang), which is the sauna area, in 20 minutes. Neither of us had ever been there, so we couldn't have anticipated the fact that there were 3 of them, plus 2 freezer rooms (don't ask me why Koreans have cold rooms and hot rooms in their spas, but 규원 (Edward) didn't think it was odd). There were also two rows of what look like Western half-circle brick fireplaces at the entrance, but are person-length tube-like room things with heat lights in them. Sorry for the choppy description, but it's not something I'd ever seen before so I don't really know what else to compare it to. Anyway, the place also had a hot and cold water purifier (standard just about everywhere like water fountains in America), a little playground area for kids, a snack bar, a restaurant, a coffee shop, a large flat-screen TV in view of a row of massage chairs, a PC room with internet at every computer, an indoor balcony area with a view of an indoor park on the floor below, a room decorated like the outside with a bird in a birdcage and a bench swing, a movie theater downstairs with lazyboy chairs in rows, a pile of sleeping mats, and two or three super-hot sauna areas that look somewhat like Native American medicine man sweat lodges if I had to compare them to something Western. I might have missed something in that list because it was quite overwhelming for me and we didn't do everything.
Anyway, I was petrified. Here I was, my cell phone in my locker, the only foreigner, where everyone was dressed the same, and I didn't know where the hell to wait for my friend. I looked in all of the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang) but I didn't see him, so I figured I had come out before he had. But what if he was waiting for me somewhere? What if I was just stupid and couldn't find the right place? I asked a little girl where the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang) was, just in case I had misunderstood what I was seeing and there was one big one where I would find 규원 (Edward). She confirmed what I thought, that there were three of them, and scampered off. I like asking children questions because I don't feel as ridiculous and insecure, and because they use easier words. I checked all three, but he wasn't in any of them. I decided to go back to the main area in view of the men's shower exit, and I watched TV while keeping a nervous eye on the door, above which was a clock. After what felt like forever because I was so anxious (I just did something completely new by myself and then emerged to a place where I was helpless and with which I was also completely unfamiliar), but the clock said was only about five minutes, 규원 (Edward) emerged.
After exploring a little, we decided to check out the movie room, which was showing American Gangster at the time. Neither of us had seen it before, so we settled into neighboring, big, comfy chairs (being clumsy and nervous, I almost knocked mine over), and started to watch the movie. After a while, he asked if it was okay if he took my hand. With butterflies in my stomach I agreed, and we spent the rest of the movie hand in hand, occasionally chit-chatting a little. I guess you could say that was the moment we started dating.
규원 (Edward) is pretty crazy in a way I really like. Not destructive or cruel crazy, just individual crazy. So far the only problem I can imagine is the language barrier problem. At the beginning of any relationship, if you forsee problems, it's doomed to fail. But, I'm learning Korean quickly and will try even harder for him, and I'm sure his English conversation will continue to improve as it has been over the last month or however long we've known each other. He read this blog and could understand 95%, and he reads English language newspapers and has very little trouble understanding. So, vocabulary and comprehension isn't an issue; he's just not used to listening and speaking (very normal in Korea because of the traditional educational system's stress on test-taking rather than conversation when it comes to English). While I'm learning a completely new language, he's learning a pretty new aspect of a familiar language. We'll keep getting closer and closer to meeting in the middle and eventually we won't need excessive body language anymore. He's completely devoted to me, as I'm quickly becoming to him. He lives far away from me, but that hasn't been much of a hindrance, as he's willing to come all the way to where I live with no complaints. I would gladly go to him as well, but recently I've had almost no time and have been constantly exhausted for more than two weeks. Now, because of the new subway line 9, which literally just opened, it takes half an hour for him to get to 강남 (Gangnam) instead of the hour it took before. 강남 (Gangnam) is about 20-30 minutes away from my home by bus, depending on which bus I take and how the traffic is, plus there's usually up to a 15 minute wait for a bus. So, distance isn't a real problem anymore thanks to serendipity and Seoul Metro. I haven't had a chance to do something half as nice for him as he does for me on a weekly basis, but I'll think of something. Sorry, the only pictures we have together are on his cell phone, but I'll try to remember to pull out my camera next time I see him.
Well, as always, I have written way more than necessary on one topic. Now I'm really tired and it's 4am so I can't tell you about the other exciting news I have. I'll jot down the other biggest event to satisfy your curiosity. My friend Julia from Korean class back in America (a year ago) moved to the north side of Seoul two weeks ago. FINALLY, I got up to see her with my friend 선형 (Seonhyeong/Sunhyoung) and we had a girls' night at Julia's place on Friday. I don't even wanna talk about my transportation nightmare that turned a 2-hour trip with time to spare to see 선형 (Sunhyoung)'s new room into 3 hours with no time to spare. Anyway, we had a good time, and the next day Julia went home with me. We got some breakfast and I showered while she watched cable TV in Korea for the first time (hers doesn't work), and then we went out to meet someone for a short while. Then we shopped, watched a little more ridiculous TV, talked, and headed to 강남 (Gangnam) to meet 주환 (Joohwan). Remember him? It's been about 3 months since the last time I saw him! Way too long~! It was really great to meet again, and he and Julia got along well so it wasn't too awkward or anything.
When I say it was really great to meet 주환 (Joohwan) again, I mean that in a few ways. One, of course, is that we're friends and it's been a while and I missed him. Two is that I have an old friend in Korea now. I know 4 months isn't a really long time, but with all the changes and new experiences I've had, it feels like a lifetime. I barely even remember living in America at this point! Also, I've had a lot of friends come and go, but seeing 주환 (Joohwan) again is like validation that I can and have made a lasting friendship out of all of this. Even when we couldn't see each other, we sent texts back and forth periodically, which is something I don't generally do. I'm one of those if-you-call-me-it-should-be-to-plan-a-meeting people. Here, I send texts just to keep in touch with 주환 (Joohwan) and also 성동 (Sungdong, the friend I traveled to visit in the south). I barely even keep in touch with my own family, so it's really surprising to me that I do that. Mostly it's replies, but I've even initiated a couple little conversations. This shows me something I hadn't expected: I'm learning to value friendship more and to lean on simple conversations for emotional support. Just knowing that my friend on the other side of the country is hanging out with his friends this weekend makes me feel like I have a little more meaning in my life. Places change, many friends come and go. Oddly, though, those are the only two of my friends here that I value in that way. Maybe it's because they're both around the same age as my brother and they treat me like a little sister. I do miss my brother quite a bit, so maybe because my friendships with them remind me of him they're very comforting. Also, I feel like I'm important to them to about the same extent that they are important to me. I don't like unbalanced friendships in which a friend relies on me more than I rely on that friend, or vice versa. Although it's very rare that I rely on a friend for anything more than trivial favors or trivial advice. That's reserved for my two best friends: Anna (my longest-lasting friendship ever) and 은영 (Jenny) (my former roommate). For me, I have to really feel close to someone to call or send a message when I'm in trouble or feeling down or afraid. Maybe my walls are coming down as I'm growing up here.
Oh, and now it's 4:35am. Really, I'm going to sleep now. Oh my god. So yawny.
I got back home and back to daily life. 규원 (Edward) took me to a 찜질방 (jjimjilbang, like a sauna and public bath house) Monday night. He researched which one was the most famous in Seoul, as he had done for a noodle restaurant the week before. It turned out to be the new spa at Garden 5, an under-construction 3-building mega-mall which takes up 3 city blocks. It was difficult to find, and when we finally got there he tried to explain what I was supposed to do. For all of you Americans, let me just say it's something you've probably never tried before. There are separate shower rooms for men and women. When you enter, you get a key that works for two lockers: one for your shoes and one inside the shower area. You also get two hand towels (Koreans generally don't use large towels like Americans do) and a shirt and shorts; in this place brown for women and tan for men. When I walked in the door to the women's side, the first thing I noticed (which 규원 (Edward) had warned me of) was that most of the women there were 100% naked and completely unashamed. Korean society is very conservative about sexual things, and here before my eyes were girls and women of all ages with absolutely no clothes on, acting completely normally. I asked a middle-aged woman in lacy lingerie where I was supposed to go, adding that it was my first time. She led me to a locker with my number (17) and said to put everything in there and then the shower room was the other way. I was unsure and embarrassed, and started taking off articles of clothing one by one, starting with my socks, jewelry, and hair tie. I watched as another woman wearing clothes passed me to go further into the locker area. I pretended to be primping and checking cell phones messages until I saw her walk by the other way, completely naked and holding a towel. Thus, I was assured that was what I was supposed to do. By then I was in pants and a bra, so I stripped and followed suit. In the shower room there was a large bath with some women relaxing and girls playing, and rows of half-height showers with mirrors and stools. There were also full-height showers without any dividers, like swimming locker rooms in high schools. I saw a couple of women getting massages, too, but I didn't know if you had to pay for that or not. I was still self-conscious about my naked body so I didn't want to draw attention to myself by exploring or asking questions. I just found a shower with a stool in an empty row, sat down, spent about 3 minutes figuring out how to turn the water on, and grabbed the bar of soap. After bathing, I walked back to my locker completely bare past all of the other completely bare women and donned the brown shirt and shorts. With my key on its stretchy bracelet around my wrist, I entered the main area to meet 규원 (Edward).
He had said to meet him in the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang), which is the sauna area, in 20 minutes. Neither of us had ever been there, so we couldn't have anticipated the fact that there were 3 of them, plus 2 freezer rooms (don't ask me why Koreans have cold rooms and hot rooms in their spas, but 규원 (Edward) didn't think it was odd). There were also two rows of what look like Western half-circle brick fireplaces at the entrance, but are person-length tube-like room things with heat lights in them. Sorry for the choppy description, but it's not something I'd ever seen before so I don't really know what else to compare it to. Anyway, the place also had a hot and cold water purifier (standard just about everywhere like water fountains in America), a little playground area for kids, a snack bar, a restaurant, a coffee shop, a large flat-screen TV in view of a row of massage chairs, a PC room with internet at every computer, an indoor balcony area with a view of an indoor park on the floor below, a room decorated like the outside with a bird in a birdcage and a bench swing, a movie theater downstairs with lazyboy chairs in rows, a pile of sleeping mats, and two or three super-hot sauna areas that look somewhat like Native American medicine man sweat lodges if I had to compare them to something Western. I might have missed something in that list because it was quite overwhelming for me and we didn't do everything.
Anyway, I was petrified. Here I was, my cell phone in my locker, the only foreigner, where everyone was dressed the same, and I didn't know where the hell to wait for my friend. I looked in all of the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang) but I didn't see him, so I figured I had come out before he had. But what if he was waiting for me somewhere? What if I was just stupid and couldn't find the right place? I asked a little girl where the 찜질방 (jjimjilbang) was, just in case I had misunderstood what I was seeing and there was one big one where I would find 규원 (Edward). She confirmed what I thought, that there were three of them, and scampered off. I like asking children questions because I don't feel as ridiculous and insecure, and because they use easier words. I checked all three, but he wasn't in any of them. I decided to go back to the main area in view of the men's shower exit, and I watched TV while keeping a nervous eye on the door, above which was a clock. After what felt like forever because I was so anxious (I just did something completely new by myself and then emerged to a place where I was helpless and with which I was also completely unfamiliar), but the clock said was only about five minutes, 규원 (Edward) emerged.
After exploring a little, we decided to check out the movie room, which was showing American Gangster at the time. Neither of us had seen it before, so we settled into neighboring, big, comfy chairs (being clumsy and nervous, I almost knocked mine over), and started to watch the movie. After a while, he asked if it was okay if he took my hand. With butterflies in my stomach I agreed, and we spent the rest of the movie hand in hand, occasionally chit-chatting a little. I guess you could say that was the moment we started dating.
규원 (Edward) is pretty crazy in a way I really like. Not destructive or cruel crazy, just individual crazy. So far the only problem I can imagine is the language barrier problem. At the beginning of any relationship, if you forsee problems, it's doomed to fail. But, I'm learning Korean quickly and will try even harder for him, and I'm sure his English conversation will continue to improve as it has been over the last month or however long we've known each other. He read this blog and could understand 95%, and he reads English language newspapers and has very little trouble understanding. So, vocabulary and comprehension isn't an issue; he's just not used to listening and speaking (very normal in Korea because of the traditional educational system's stress on test-taking rather than conversation when it comes to English). While I'm learning a completely new language, he's learning a pretty new aspect of a familiar language. We'll keep getting closer and closer to meeting in the middle and eventually we won't need excessive body language anymore. He's completely devoted to me, as I'm quickly becoming to him. He lives far away from me, but that hasn't been much of a hindrance, as he's willing to come all the way to where I live with no complaints. I would gladly go to him as well, but recently I've had almost no time and have been constantly exhausted for more than two weeks. Now, because of the new subway line 9, which literally just opened, it takes half an hour for him to get to 강남 (Gangnam) instead of the hour it took before. 강남 (Gangnam) is about 20-30 minutes away from my home by bus, depending on which bus I take and how the traffic is, plus there's usually up to a 15 minute wait for a bus. So, distance isn't a real problem anymore thanks to serendipity and Seoul Metro. I haven't had a chance to do something half as nice for him as he does for me on a weekly basis, but I'll think of something. Sorry, the only pictures we have together are on his cell phone, but I'll try to remember to pull out my camera next time I see him.
Well, as always, I have written way more than necessary on one topic. Now I'm really tired and it's 4am so I can't tell you about the other exciting news I have. I'll jot down the other biggest event to satisfy your curiosity. My friend Julia from Korean class back in America (a year ago) moved to the north side of Seoul two weeks ago. FINALLY, I got up to see her with my friend 선형 (Seonhyeong/Sunhyoung) and we had a girls' night at Julia's place on Friday. I don't even wanna talk about my transportation nightmare that turned a 2-hour trip with time to spare to see 선형 (Sunhyoung)'s new room into 3 hours with no time to spare. Anyway, we had a good time, and the next day Julia went home with me. We got some breakfast and I showered while she watched cable TV in Korea for the first time (hers doesn't work), and then we went out to meet someone for a short while. Then we shopped, watched a little more ridiculous TV, talked, and headed to 강남 (Gangnam) to meet 주환 (Joohwan). Remember him? It's been about 3 months since the last time I saw him! Way too long~! It was really great to meet again, and he and Julia got along well so it wasn't too awkward or anything.
When I say it was really great to meet 주환 (Joohwan) again, I mean that in a few ways. One, of course, is that we're friends and it's been a while and I missed him. Two is that I have an old friend in Korea now. I know 4 months isn't a really long time, but with all the changes and new experiences I've had, it feels like a lifetime. I barely even remember living in America at this point! Also, I've had a lot of friends come and go, but seeing 주환 (Joohwan) again is like validation that I can and have made a lasting friendship out of all of this. Even when we couldn't see each other, we sent texts back and forth periodically, which is something I don't generally do. I'm one of those if-you-call-me-it-should-be-to-plan-a-meeting people. Here, I send texts just to keep in touch with 주환 (Joohwan) and also 성동 (Sungdong, the friend I traveled to visit in the south). I barely even keep in touch with my own family, so it's really surprising to me that I do that. Mostly it's replies, but I've even initiated a couple little conversations. This shows me something I hadn't expected: I'm learning to value friendship more and to lean on simple conversations for emotional support. Just knowing that my friend on the other side of the country is hanging out with his friends this weekend makes me feel like I have a little more meaning in my life. Places change, many friends come and go. Oddly, though, those are the only two of my friends here that I value in that way. Maybe it's because they're both around the same age as my brother and they treat me like a little sister. I do miss my brother quite a bit, so maybe because my friendships with them remind me of him they're very comforting. Also, I feel like I'm important to them to about the same extent that they are important to me. I don't like unbalanced friendships in which a friend relies on me more than I rely on that friend, or vice versa. Although it's very rare that I rely on a friend for anything more than trivial favors or trivial advice. That's reserved for my two best friends: Anna (my longest-lasting friendship ever) and 은영 (Jenny) (my former roommate). For me, I have to really feel close to someone to call or send a message when I'm in trouble or feeling down or afraid. Maybe my walls are coming down as I'm growing up here.
Oh, and now it's 4:35am. Really, I'm going to sleep now. Oh my god. So yawny.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
International Dating Conundrum: an Observation
Why are there Korean-Korean couples and foreigner-foreigner couples, but not many Korean-foreigner couples in Korea? Here's one aspect of it as conversed with a friend earlier:
Most of the Americans I've talked to like to know what goes on in their girlfriend's or boyfriend's life. They like to meet his/her friends and they like knowing what he/she does on a daily basis. It's like keeping tabs. Jealous boyfriends/girlfriends verge on stalking and know who their significant other is with at all times and where. Americans want to know about the exes and other things about their boyfriend's or girlfriend's past.
Most of the Koreans I've talked to don't want to know about exes. They don't want to know about opposite-sex friends. They would rather just not think about their boyfriend/girlfriend being with any other members of the opposite sex, ever. I have heard some Koreans say they would rather be lied to than know what their boyfriend/girlfriend has done or does that would upset them. Some Koreans don't think this way at all, as my friend just pointed out. Haha. I guess I shouldn't make generalizations!
Most of the Americans I've talked to like to know what goes on in their girlfriend's or boyfriend's life. They like to meet his/her friends and they like knowing what he/she does on a daily basis. It's like keeping tabs. Jealous boyfriends/girlfriends verge on stalking and know who their significant other is with at all times and where. Americans want to know about the exes and other things about their boyfriend's or girlfriend's past.
Most of the Koreans I've talked to don't want to know about exes. They don't want to know about opposite-sex friends. They would rather just not think about their boyfriend/girlfriend being with any other members of the opposite sex, ever. I have heard some Koreans say they would rather be lied to than know what their boyfriend/girlfriend has done or does that would upset them. Some Koreans don't think this way at all, as my friend just pointed out. Haha. I guess I shouldn't make generalizations!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Fame
In America, if you see 100 people and 5 are not white (the majority race), you think, "there are a lot of white people here." In Korea, if there are 100 people and 5 are not Korean, you think, "why are there so many foreigners here?"
At first it was kind of fun. I'm kind of a celebrity here without even trying. Everyone thinks I'm beautiful and is fascinated by me. People like to give me free things and gifts. Strangers say "hello" to me on the street or speak to me in English on the subway sometimes. A large number of my friends and students say I'm the first or maybe second foreigner they've ever talked to. They're shy and excited and they have a million questions. My guy friends make jokes about dating me and some of them ask periodically if I have a boyfriend or am looking for one. There's a waiting list at this point.
Girls whisper about me and guys stare. When I'm with a Korean friend speaking English, we might as well have a flashing neon sign above us saying, "UNIQUE SPECTACLE" or "LOOK SHE'S AMERICAN~GUESS IF (S)HE'S KOREAN-BORN OR NOT" or one of a million other things Korean think about us. Men tend to think, based on movies and TV dramas, that I'm easy, and I've even been asked for sex on a first meeting. Old people sometimes gape in horror if I'm with a guy. I still remember the incident with the crazy old man in 까치산 (Ggachisan) who grabbed my boob and kissed my cheek. Someone I originally met for a job interview ended up trying to kiss me. Even in my own home, if I cook something in the kitchen and there are other people there, it's extremely awkward. I don't know if I should say something or not, and although the people are usually kind, I have a strange feeling that they are judging me.
I'm becoming narcissistic and paranoid, and I'm developing illusions of reference. If I look around, I can tell that not EVERYONE is staring at me. But, I still THINK they are. Sometimes I strut my stuff and drink in the attention, real or perceived. Some days I just wish they would all go away or that I could find a place to be alone and scream and release some steam.
I'm gradually losing weight. I bought jeans that were too tight in America in anticipation of this (public transportation, healthier food). Now I need a belt to wear those jeans. My legs are becoming more toned and less jiggly. I'll admit readily that I'm not a skinny person, but I might finally get to know what being thin feels like while living in Korea. After a lifetime of being average, the extra attention here and the fact that looking at myself in the mirror is becoming more satisfying is really inflating my ego. I see this and I hate it. I love myself and I hate myself at the same time. I feel guilty that I'm enjoying the result of West worship in Korea. I've always wanted to be admired, but I wanted to earn it. Here I get a million extra points just because I'm American.
When I do see other foreigners, it's strange to me now. They look so awkward and out of place. The men are usually not handsome, and the women are usually not beautiful. Since I prefer Korean men over western men anyway, most foreign men here look just plain ugly to me. But many of them have beautiful Korean girlfriends, because Korean girls generally LOVE men who are fluent in English. Western women don't often accept Korean boyfriends. I know it's easy to get a Korean boyfriend as a Western woman, but it's much more unusual to see a Korean man-Western woman couple than it is to see a Western man-Korean woman couple. This could have to do with women valuing conversation more than men, thus making it difficult to find a good boyfriend whose first language is different. Maybe it has to do with the size stereotypes. It could be because Koreans usualy have smaller bodies and muscles and much less confidence than Westerners. This goes for both men and women. In women, small and shy is almost universally desirable, whereas in men, strong and confident is desirable. Therefore, the women from a small race and shy culture are sought after, but the men are shunned. Usually if I see another foreign women with a boyfriend here, the boyfriend is also a foreigner. Remember, the night I broke my nose I talked to a Russian girl who likes black men. I think Western men also become narcissistic after a while here, as most of the ones I've met are players. They can't really speak Korean, just enough to get a girl in bed where they say they can speak a "universal language" with those cute Korean girls. There's a reason all of my friends here are Koreans.
All in all, I'm becoming very self-conscious. I find myself looking around for mirrors in public, of which there are many compared to in America. Koreans primp a lot, both men and women. I wonder if people are staring at my large feet or my imperfect skin and judging the entire western world by my actions and clothes. I'm extra embarrassed when I do something clumsy, which as those of you who know me well can attest to, is pretty often. I try to look sexy, cute, and/or sophisticated at all times and I'm always trying to look like I know what I'm doing, even if I don't. You can imagine I make a fool of myself pretty often. There are language barrier issues, culture differences, the differences between living in suburbs like I have for my entire life and living in a big city in which half the population of Korea is crammed. On top of all that, I'm a 21-year-old girl living alone in an unfamiliar country with no real goals or purpose and no clue who I am. I'm at the finding-out-who-I-am stage of my life and I have no anchor to help me keep my feet on the ground. I'm drifting in white-water rapids, and the days here are the slowest I've ever felt but at the same time they're going by more quickly than ever before. There are so many things I need to do, so many things I want to do, so many things I forget to do.
Life is completely overwhelming and I really don't know how I would stay afloat without having a place to play piano. I'm lucky I have some hobby that's so close to my heart that I can take anywhere. Now I've been playing piano for 11 years and composing music is my catharsis. But even in the music academy where I practice, I'm always wondering if people are judging me because I'm the only foreigner and the rooms aren't 100% soundproof and I sing. I know I' m a good singer but what if they're listening and picking out every slightly wrong note and ever time my voice cracks, and what if while I'm learning a song they're mocking how little talent I have and thinking Americans must be terrible at playing music? What if they don't like the songs I choose to play, or worse yet, what if they hate the songs I compose? What if they secretly think I'm strange and they talk about me where I can't hear them. Well, they'd be talking in Korean so I wouldn't understand them anyway. When I hear them talking, I always wonder if it's about me.
Whenever I hear people talking, I always wonder if it's about me. Sometimes I know it is because of body language or the few words I understand. Mostly it's neutral or good, I think. For instance, I hear the phrase "English teacher" a lot, and one of the first words I learned here because I hear it so much is "beautiful". But my Korean vocabulary is very limited, especially in terms of negative words. I don't know the word for ugly, so I would never know if someone said it. This heightens my anxiety because if they're saying good things, I feel like a red carpet celebrity. If they're saying bad things, I feel like a front page criminal. I always feel like a monkey on display at the zoo.
When the attention first bothered me, I tuned it out easily and got on with my life. Now I make a conscious effort not to look at people. If I meet someone's eyes, I have a moment of terror. I don't completely know why terror is the feeling I get. I have a constant anxiety and a fear of people following me. I'm even afraid to talk to people because I'm sure I'll understand enough to prove I can speak Korean, but not enough to understand what they're actually saying. That's worse than understanding nothing because I feel like a child or an idiot. If I understand nothing, the Korean is the one who feels stupid because he/she can't speak English, which is becoming a class distinction in Korea. The only thing I hate more than being frustrated by the language barrier is the thought that people are assuming I'm a tourist. I try to speak Korean even if I know the person can speak English because I don't want to be seen as a tourist. That nullifies my existence here. I'm trying to make Korea my home. I can't be a tourist and a resident at the same time.
The funny thing is... I hate it more when people don't pay attention to me than when they do. It makes me indignant. Like, HEY I'm special~ you should be admiring me!! You should want to sit next to me on the bus or the subway so that you can brag about it to your friends later!! Because the worst thing is when people see me briefly and then purposely avoid me. I've seen people stand or walk to the other side of the subway to find a seat rather than sit next to me. On the bus, one woman even put her purse on the empty seat next to her as I got on to prevent me from sitting next to her. Do they hate me or are they just afraid? A bank teller admitted that he was afraid when I approached his desk because he would have to speak English. His English was really, really good. He had no reason to be afraid. Some of my friends say that some people hate Westerners and want all of us to leave, especially Americans. It's a very complicated political and cultural situation that I don't completely understand. I came here curious about how Koreans think of Japan and Japanese people, but I find myself being an object of so many different emotions and judgments. Whether I like it or not, I will never fit in here.
I just want to scream "I'M A HUMAN TOO~!!! PLEASE JUST TREAT ME LIKE YOU TREAT EVERYONE ELSE!!!"
As a white, middle-class, suburban-raised girl, being a minority (minority feels like an understatement~ more like rarity) is completely new to me. I had many foreign friends in America and sometimes hung out in groups that were 100% Asian except for me, but this is something I can't compare to any other experience in my life. To every minority member in the world, I'm sorry for the way you are treated.
Hopefully I can get past this stage soon. I know I will find a comfort zone in my mental assessment of my daily life eventually. At this point I actually sometimes go out for no real reason except that I crave the attention. I'll buy one thing at the convenience store just to see the look on the cashier's face when I say something in Korean. I'm testing the boundaries. I'm playing a game. I'm experimenting on society. They're doing the same to me. The future should be interesting.
At first it was kind of fun. I'm kind of a celebrity here without even trying. Everyone thinks I'm beautiful and is fascinated by me. People like to give me free things and gifts. Strangers say "hello" to me on the street or speak to me in English on the subway sometimes. A large number of my friends and students say I'm the first or maybe second foreigner they've ever talked to. They're shy and excited and they have a million questions. My guy friends make jokes about dating me and some of them ask periodically if I have a boyfriend or am looking for one. There's a waiting list at this point.
Girls whisper about me and guys stare. When I'm with a Korean friend speaking English, we might as well have a flashing neon sign above us saying, "UNIQUE SPECTACLE" or "LOOK SHE'S AMERICAN~GUESS IF (S)HE'S KOREAN-BORN OR NOT" or one of a million other things Korean think about us. Men tend to think, based on movies and TV dramas, that I'm easy, and I've even been asked for sex on a first meeting. Old people sometimes gape in horror if I'm with a guy. I still remember the incident with the crazy old man in 까치산 (Ggachisan) who grabbed my boob and kissed my cheek. Someone I originally met for a job interview ended up trying to kiss me. Even in my own home, if I cook something in the kitchen and there are other people there, it's extremely awkward. I don't know if I should say something or not, and although the people are usually kind, I have a strange feeling that they are judging me.
I'm becoming narcissistic and paranoid, and I'm developing illusions of reference. If I look around, I can tell that not EVERYONE is staring at me. But, I still THINK they are. Sometimes I strut my stuff and drink in the attention, real or perceived. Some days I just wish they would all go away or that I could find a place to be alone and scream and release some steam.
I'm gradually losing weight. I bought jeans that were too tight in America in anticipation of this (public transportation, healthier food). Now I need a belt to wear those jeans. My legs are becoming more toned and less jiggly. I'll admit readily that I'm not a skinny person, but I might finally get to know what being thin feels like while living in Korea. After a lifetime of being average, the extra attention here and the fact that looking at myself in the mirror is becoming more satisfying is really inflating my ego. I see this and I hate it. I love myself and I hate myself at the same time. I feel guilty that I'm enjoying the result of West worship in Korea. I've always wanted to be admired, but I wanted to earn it. Here I get a million extra points just because I'm American.
When I do see other foreigners, it's strange to me now. They look so awkward and out of place. The men are usually not handsome, and the women are usually not beautiful. Since I prefer Korean men over western men anyway, most foreign men here look just plain ugly to me. But many of them have beautiful Korean girlfriends, because Korean girls generally LOVE men who are fluent in English. Western women don't often accept Korean boyfriends. I know it's easy to get a Korean boyfriend as a Western woman, but it's much more unusual to see a Korean man-Western woman couple than it is to see a Western man-Korean woman couple. This could have to do with women valuing conversation more than men, thus making it difficult to find a good boyfriend whose first language is different. Maybe it has to do with the size stereotypes. It could be because Koreans usualy have smaller bodies and muscles and much less confidence than Westerners. This goes for both men and women. In women, small and shy is almost universally desirable, whereas in men, strong and confident is desirable. Therefore, the women from a small race and shy culture are sought after, but the men are shunned. Usually if I see another foreign women with a boyfriend here, the boyfriend is also a foreigner. Remember, the night I broke my nose I talked to a Russian girl who likes black men. I think Western men also become narcissistic after a while here, as most of the ones I've met are players. They can't really speak Korean, just enough to get a girl in bed where they say they can speak a "universal language" with those cute Korean girls. There's a reason all of my friends here are Koreans.
All in all, I'm becoming very self-conscious. I find myself looking around for mirrors in public, of which there are many compared to in America. Koreans primp a lot, both men and women. I wonder if people are staring at my large feet or my imperfect skin and judging the entire western world by my actions and clothes. I'm extra embarrassed when I do something clumsy, which as those of you who know me well can attest to, is pretty often. I try to look sexy, cute, and/or sophisticated at all times and I'm always trying to look like I know what I'm doing, even if I don't. You can imagine I make a fool of myself pretty often. There are language barrier issues, culture differences, the differences between living in suburbs like I have for my entire life and living in a big city in which half the population of Korea is crammed. On top of all that, I'm a 21-year-old girl living alone in an unfamiliar country with no real goals or purpose and no clue who I am. I'm at the finding-out-who-I-am stage of my life and I have no anchor to help me keep my feet on the ground. I'm drifting in white-water rapids, and the days here are the slowest I've ever felt but at the same time they're going by more quickly than ever before. There are so many things I need to do, so many things I want to do, so many things I forget to do.
Life is completely overwhelming and I really don't know how I would stay afloat without having a place to play piano. I'm lucky I have some hobby that's so close to my heart that I can take anywhere. Now I've been playing piano for 11 years and composing music is my catharsis. But even in the music academy where I practice, I'm always wondering if people are judging me because I'm the only foreigner and the rooms aren't 100% soundproof and I sing. I know I' m a good singer but what if they're listening and picking out every slightly wrong note and ever time my voice cracks, and what if while I'm learning a song they're mocking how little talent I have and thinking Americans must be terrible at playing music? What if they don't like the songs I choose to play, or worse yet, what if they hate the songs I compose? What if they secretly think I'm strange and they talk about me where I can't hear them. Well, they'd be talking in Korean so I wouldn't understand them anyway. When I hear them talking, I always wonder if it's about me.
Whenever I hear people talking, I always wonder if it's about me. Sometimes I know it is because of body language or the few words I understand. Mostly it's neutral or good, I think. For instance, I hear the phrase "English teacher" a lot, and one of the first words I learned here because I hear it so much is "beautiful". But my Korean vocabulary is very limited, especially in terms of negative words. I don't know the word for ugly, so I would never know if someone said it. This heightens my anxiety because if they're saying good things, I feel like a red carpet celebrity. If they're saying bad things, I feel like a front page criminal. I always feel like a monkey on display at the zoo.
When the attention first bothered me, I tuned it out easily and got on with my life. Now I make a conscious effort not to look at people. If I meet someone's eyes, I have a moment of terror. I don't completely know why terror is the feeling I get. I have a constant anxiety and a fear of people following me. I'm even afraid to talk to people because I'm sure I'll understand enough to prove I can speak Korean, but not enough to understand what they're actually saying. That's worse than understanding nothing because I feel like a child or an idiot. If I understand nothing, the Korean is the one who feels stupid because he/she can't speak English, which is becoming a class distinction in Korea. The only thing I hate more than being frustrated by the language barrier is the thought that people are assuming I'm a tourist. I try to speak Korean even if I know the person can speak English because I don't want to be seen as a tourist. That nullifies my existence here. I'm trying to make Korea my home. I can't be a tourist and a resident at the same time.
The funny thing is... I hate it more when people don't pay attention to me than when they do. It makes me indignant. Like, HEY I'm special~ you should be admiring me!! You should want to sit next to me on the bus or the subway so that you can brag about it to your friends later!! Because the worst thing is when people see me briefly and then purposely avoid me. I've seen people stand or walk to the other side of the subway to find a seat rather than sit next to me. On the bus, one woman even put her purse on the empty seat next to her as I got on to prevent me from sitting next to her. Do they hate me or are they just afraid? A bank teller admitted that he was afraid when I approached his desk because he would have to speak English. His English was really, really good. He had no reason to be afraid. Some of my friends say that some people hate Westerners and want all of us to leave, especially Americans. It's a very complicated political and cultural situation that I don't completely understand. I came here curious about how Koreans think of Japan and Japanese people, but I find myself being an object of so many different emotions and judgments. Whether I like it or not, I will never fit in here.
I just want to scream "I'M A HUMAN TOO~!!! PLEASE JUST TREAT ME LIKE YOU TREAT EVERYONE ELSE!!!"
As a white, middle-class, suburban-raised girl, being a minority (minority feels like an understatement~ more like rarity) is completely new to me. I had many foreign friends in America and sometimes hung out in groups that were 100% Asian except for me, but this is something I can't compare to any other experience in my life. To every minority member in the world, I'm sorry for the way you are treated.
Hopefully I can get past this stage soon. I know I will find a comfort zone in my mental assessment of my daily life eventually. At this point I actually sometimes go out for no real reason except that I crave the attention. I'll buy one thing at the convenience store just to see the look on the cashier's face when I say something in Korean. I'm testing the boundaries. I'm playing a game. I'm experimenting on society. They're doing the same to me. The future should be interesting.
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