Because my multiple-entry C-3 Korean visa allows me to stay in Korea for 90 days after each entry, I had to leave for the second time last week. I lined up the 90 days perfectly so I left the day my visa expired and will leave again the day it expires, December 25 Christmas Day. That meant I was in Fukuoka from Tuesday September 22 to Saturday the 26th. The 27th marked exactly 6 months that I've lived in Korea. Half a year!!
Anyway, I didn't have much money, and I went to Japan alone, and I find Japan rather creepy, so I mostly stayed in my room eating convenience store food, reading textbooks, and watching Korean movies on my computer. I also find Japan frustrating because while I can understand more Japanese than I can Korean, I've been in Korea so long that I think in Korean and can't remember Japanese vocabulary when I'm trying to speak. Also, I can't read Japanese well because they use so many kanji, Chinese symbols. In Korea, I can read just fine. I'm a little slow, and I often don't know the meaning, but I can look up the words in my cell phone's English-Korean dictionary. Anyway, I accidentally spoke Korean to a few people, then corrected myself in Japanese, then asked if they could speak English or French.... it was pretty ridiculous.
Just after I checked into my hotel room, I asked the front desk if they had power converters for American or Korean plugs. They didn't. I asked where I could buy them, and was given a map and directions to a store. I went there, but I felt like I had gone too far and was getting lost. It was dark, although not very late, and everything was unfamiliar. All of the people looked different... I'm used to Koreans now, and I'm used to Americans and the American mix of ethnicities, but Japanese people look different and are, on average, significantly shorter. In Korea, I'm still shorter than the average man if I don't wear high heels. In Japan, I think I might be taller than the average man! When I finally got to the store, there were so many signs and arrows and people and everything was Japanese. I was so lost. I asked the information counter, showing my laptop charger and converter for Korean outlets, and used what Japanese I could throw together. She directed me to the second floor, where I found one for my American computer, but not one for my Korean cell phone. So I asked an associate, who walked with me to the third floor and asked someone else, who led us to the right section. Eventually there were three guys who worked there all trying to understand that I wanted a converter for BOTH American AND Korean plugs because I'm from America but I live in Korea so I have something important to plug in from each country. Finally, after about 15 minutes, one of them presented me with a converter for my three-pronged computer plug and my Korean plug- both in one! It's great, because I was expecting to have to buy two different ones. I was very happy that despite the language barrier, I ended up with something better than I expected. As I paid, the cashier apologized profusely and thanked me way too much. I know this is just Japanese culture, but I'm almost offended by the excessive apologetic atmosphere in Japan, as if the people are patronizing and self-depreciating at the same time. If the same situation occurred in Korea, the worker would apologize once- maybe twice- for taking so long, thank me for buying something, and ask me to come again. Same as in America. I guess I have a culture bias that favors Korean culture based on the things I like about American culture.
Let me elaborate on that whole culture bias thing. In America, being white from some unknown mix of European countries and either Native American or gypsy, I always thought I had no culture. My friends whose parents or grandparents came from other countries had culture: Chinese, Egyptian, Korean, German, Italian, etc. My African American friends had culture. My half African American, half German friend hit the culture jackpot (I love you E.B. haha)! So how is it that I can recognize in myself a culture bias when I am devoid of culture? Well, I'm like a goldfish in a tank with many other goldfish and a few different exotic fish. I can see that the exotic fish are different, but I never think about the water I'm in or about the other goldfish as being distinctive. Now I'm the goldfish in a bowl full of one kind of "exotic" fish. Who's exotic now? I'm still figuring out just what it means to me to be a goldfish, and at the same time, I'm changing my scales a bit to adjust to my new surroundings. Why do I like Korean fish better than Japanese fish? That's complicated.
In American culture, people are often very bubbly and friendly to strangers, which sometimes even puts foreigners on edge. Japanese are not at all bubbly and friendly to strangers; instead, they are distant, polite, and cordial. An American will tell you more than you ever need to know about their life if you happen to be sitting next to him/her on a plane. A Japanese person will tell you the basic facts and then get back to his/her book or newspaper. Koreans are in the middle. While Americans can be a little rude, and Japanese cold, Koreans are genuinely kind, or just too shy to say anything at all. Of course, these are generalizations, and therefore only apply to maybe 60-80% of people from each country, and I have by no means met everyone from each country. Even within each country, people vary according to regional culture. San Fransisco, Detroit, New Orleans, and Washington D.C. are all vastly different, for instance.
In American culture, everyone pays equally for everything. If two friends go out together, they either split the check or one person pays and the other person owes him/her the same thing later. In America, I always had to remember how much I owed this friend, how much that friend owed me, etc. It's very confusing and stressful. In Korea, the older person pays. Or, the person with more money. That's it. Now, the younger generation is embracing the idea of "Dutch pay" so groups of friends often split the price to alleviate the burden on one person. Or, one person buys dinner and another pays for drinks at the bar and another pays for a singing room, because you don't just do one thing when you hang out in Korea. I don't know the custom in Japan, but I like the one in Korea. Partly because I'm just about the youngest of my friends, and partly because it just makes sense. Right now, I'm still a college student and can't get my career off the ground until I graduate. Therefore, I don't have the opportunity to make a lot of money. A year or two from now, I'll have a stable job, a stable income, and a home, and I'll have more money to spare to buy dinner for my younger friends. I love when people buy things for me, and I love buying things for people. It's the Christmas effect. I know that when someone pays for me, they enjoy the smile on my face, and when I pay for someone else, I enjoy the smile on his or her face.
In America, we drive on the right side of the road. Korea, too. In Japan, it's the left side. So confusing to me when crossing the street. I guess in that respect, British people would prefer Japan.
In America and Japan, signs, commercials, and other everyday parts of the man-made environment are usually in the no-funny-business style. Simple, block print. Easy to read, mildly eye-catching, professional. Here, "under construction" signs have adorable pictures of construction workers who look like children. Restaurants often have cute illustrations of smiling pigs or fish on their signs. Part-time working girls in cute outfits do silly dances on stages on the sidewalk to attract customers. My boyfriend wars socks with cartoon depictions of G-Dragon (a popular singer), Jack Skeleton, and 윤지후 (Yoon Ji-hoo) from 꽃보다남자 (Boys before Flowers, my favorite popular Korean drama) and that's totally not gay here. T-shirts are cuter, the text on signs is adorable, the commercial jingles are catchier in a cute way, even office supplies and decorations in legitimately professional institutions are often cute. Korea is so cute, it makes me smile every day. Japan and America are mildly depressing in their efforts to look more professional than the competition.
Just a personal preference: I like the voices and melodies of Korean pop better than any other country's pop I've heard. Of course, I love 70% of music, and couldn't live without listening to and playing music on a regular basis, so that's not really a huge factor in why I prefer Korea.
Because of the devastation following the brutal Japanese occupation of Korea from 1910-1946 (Japan was forced to relinquish Korea after being defeated in WWII) and the exhausting Korean war (which never technically ended, resulting in the shaky situation surrounding the DMZ or JSA) from 1950 to the armistice in 1953, almost everything in Korea was built in the past 50ish years. On top of that, Korea has a very trend-based society, valuing the newest and rejecting the oldest (unless it's the historically meaningful brand of old). So, the buildings are quite modern and clean, usually white or light gray or completely walled by windows. The main streets are wide, as well as the newer subway stations. Japan, on the other hand, seems to me to be in the American 70's style of dark colors, although there is an interesting mix of architecture styles because of the naturally occurring replacement of dilapidated buildings with modern ones, and because of the inevitable localization of wealth in certain areas. Because most of the infrastructure was established before the advent of cars, the streets are narrower, and the older subway system has smaller stations because as technology advances, wider holes in the ground are possible. I personally follow in my mother's footsteps in appreciating open spaces and bright colors. Japan just feels ominous and eerie to me.
Actually, when I'm in Japan, I feel just as lost and confused and 답답해 (tapdaphae; no real English translation, but usually translated as 'stuffy' or 'anxious') as I did when I first arrived in Korea over sis months ago. The difference is that I lack passion for Japan, whereas I'm in no short supply of passion for Korea. I can see how another American could easily have the exact opposite opinion of the two countries as I do. Japan has a rich variety of, well, everything. Korea has variety, but has fewer cultural collective outliers than Japan and America do. Most people like the same music, as opposed to the constant battle of the genres in America (I must mention that there are distinctive genres in Korean pop, but most Koreans like all of them that are suitable for their age group). Most people like the same general types of food and can't live without kimchi and rice. Most people follow the same general fashion trends. If you want to stand out in Korea, it's not a hard thing to do. I dare you to go to Harajuku in Tokyo and try to stand out. If you aren't familiar with Harajuku, Google "Harajuku fashion" and click "images" for an idea.
Anyway, aspects of Korean and American culture are the same. Some things I don't like about American culture aren't as pronounced here, like overly aggressive men, lone-wolf valorization, impossibility of bargaining in most circumstances, and P.C. (politically correct) fever. Some things I do like about American culture are stronger here, like friendly customer service (it's also FAST in Korea!), being able to ask any stranger for directions without fear, curiosity, and lenience. If you stay past check-out in a hotel in Korea, they call the room and ask you nicely to leave, but they don't charge you extra.
Of course, there are things I don't like about Korea. Koreans usually don't have ovens or dryers, which are generally assumed indispensable in American homes. The Korean language has three levels of formality, and knowing when in a relationship to switch from the "normal" language to 반말 (banmal; informal language used for close friends and younger people) is confusing, and I don't think I'll ever become comfortable with that. The grammar used in the most formal language is so difficult that I just decide not to use it, but at this point I can understand it as well as the other forms. Considering that I'm a foreigner and have been living here only 6 months, people are satisfied with the level of formality I use in my speech and text messages. I have my whole life to master the language, so I'm not too stressed about that point.
The Korean education system is frustrating and unfair for the children. Because government employees can't be fired, including public school teachers, there is no competition among public schools and they come up short of satisfactory for most Korean parents. Therefore, those who can afford it go to private academies after school and study to exhaustion starting in elementary school. Thus, those who can't afford private academies have an inferior education and are less likely to break out of poverty, much like the issue of inner city school districts vs. suburban school districts in America. In Korea, no child wins. Also, the Korean (generally, the Asian) education system trains people to be machines by testing them all in the same tasks and rewarding empirical excellency. Put in anecdotal simplicity, imagine a 30-student class reads a novel and is assigned a three-page paper. In America, this paper would most likely have a topic including the words "analyze", "think about", "compare", or "draw from your own experiences". The teacher expects 30 completely different papers, and suspects plagiarism if two are too similar. In Korea, the paper assignment may be a summary or a specific research assignment into the history or author of the novel. The teacher expects 30 almost identical papers and punishes papers that are different by subtracting points for incorrectly completing the assignment. This is good and bad. It is the reason for the American stereotype that Asians are human calculators and encyclopedias, like perfect robots with whom nobody can compete. It also robs Korea from out-of-the box innovation. Korean companies have been accused of copying foreign designs and concepts, whereas the companies themselves probably intend to follow the trend and make it empirically better. Nobody can deny the global success of Korean companies like Hyundai, LG, and Kia. Nobody can deny the perfect, even haunting musical technique of many Asian musicians. But, how many Asian composers are praised for their originality? Although, that particular topic is a whole thesis, book, encyclopedia of volumes including the difference in how different cultures perceive intellectual property rights or lack thereof.
In other news, My boyfriend and I are probably moving from Seoul to Andong, a "countryside" city (compared to where I lived in America, every city here is a big city) next weekend. His mother lives there, so he has asked her to let us live with her, and she's thinking about it now. Then, on Christmas, we will fly together to America and stay there for 6 months. Again, this depends on his mother's decision because she would be funding his plane ticket. Assuming we're still together after that (I think so), we'll come back to Korea next summer, perhaps permanently, perhaps not.
On March 26, 2009, I left my life in America and moved to South Korea. I put my worldly possessions into two suitcases and a backpack and got on a plane. On December 8, 2012, I returned not to my hometown of Detroit, but to Silicon Valley, California, where I married an Indian engineer. In 2020, I divorced and moved to southern California. In this blog are my successes, failures, and observations of life in different cultures.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Homesick at Last
I had felt a little homesick before now and then, for instance, missing American treats like Slurpees or Taco Bell. Sometimes something reminds me of a friend or family member and I miss him or her, but that happened back in America, too. My extended family has never exactly been geographically close, and since going off to college I haven't spent much time at home. Also, my parents are divorced and the last two years before going to college I lived only with my mom. So, it's been about 5 years since I lived in the same house as my father, brother, or stepfamily.
What's interesting is that my homesick reinforces what I already knew: I don't have a geographical place that I call home. Another dimension has been added, too: my home consists of different points in time. I miss my different Christmases. Watching James Bond and frosting sugar cookies in unnecessarily elaborate ways with my mom and brother. My grandmother's last Christmas, with four generations in Illinois at my aunt's house. Hanging ornaments on the tree as a kid, making sure they were high enough that the cats wouldn't eat them. I miss my high school friends. Going to so many rock concerts I can't remember all of the bands we saw. Hanging out at Caribou Coffee after school. Sleepovers and memorizing lines of stupid movies like The Faculty and Zoolander. Coming up with creative birthday presents for each other and silly nicknames based on TV shows. I miss Michigan State University. Douglas J Aveda Institute haircuts are the best I've ever had and at such low prices. Menna's is enough food for two meals, but if you're still hungry you can get Pokey Sticks from Gumby's Pizza. I met all kinds of people from around the world in Japanese class, including one of my three best friends. I miss the fact that almost everything in America is in English. I miss that movie theaters show all the movies that are out at one time, instead of 3 or 4 per day. I miss Corn Day in Adel, Iowa in the summer and eating snow mixed with soda or pink lemonade in the winter. I miss driving manual transmission- I don't drive at all here. I miss walking in the rain with no umbrella; here I'm constantly warned of acid rain. I miss Meijer Grocery Store. I miss living in a space larger than 9 square feet and I miss having a window so I can keep my beloved plants. I miss having my own bathroom, because let's face it, everyone poops and it's not something you wanna share with 50 other people. I miss having a kitchen with a full spice cabinet and tons of dishes. I miss home, but I'm not really sure where or when that is. I have to settle down and start my own family before I have a clear idea of home again, I think. So, I'll be a lost wanderer for a few more years while I figure out where I'm meant to be.
My boyfriend is going to come to America with me. We're not really sure yet how we're gonna make it work, but we will somehow. Learning English will be faster and easier if he's in America, and the language barrier is a big stress in out relationship. And, we don't want to be separated for six months. One month is bearable, but six months is unthinkable. Also, it will bring us closer if he can see where I'm from, like I've seen where he's from. I've met most of his family and been to his hometown. I want him to meet my family, too, and to see where I grew up. That will require a lot of road trips, but I want him to experience an American road trip, too.
What's interesting is that my homesick reinforces what I already knew: I don't have a geographical place that I call home. Another dimension has been added, too: my home consists of different points in time. I miss my different Christmases. Watching James Bond and frosting sugar cookies in unnecessarily elaborate ways with my mom and brother. My grandmother's last Christmas, with four generations in Illinois at my aunt's house. Hanging ornaments on the tree as a kid, making sure they were high enough that the cats wouldn't eat them. I miss my high school friends. Going to so many rock concerts I can't remember all of the bands we saw. Hanging out at Caribou Coffee after school. Sleepovers and memorizing lines of stupid movies like The Faculty and Zoolander. Coming up with creative birthday presents for each other and silly nicknames based on TV shows. I miss Michigan State University. Douglas J Aveda Institute haircuts are the best I've ever had and at such low prices. Menna's is enough food for two meals, but if you're still hungry you can get Pokey Sticks from Gumby's Pizza. I met all kinds of people from around the world in Japanese class, including one of my three best friends. I miss the fact that almost everything in America is in English. I miss that movie theaters show all the movies that are out at one time, instead of 3 or 4 per day. I miss Corn Day in Adel, Iowa in the summer and eating snow mixed with soda or pink lemonade in the winter. I miss driving manual transmission- I don't drive at all here. I miss walking in the rain with no umbrella; here I'm constantly warned of acid rain. I miss Meijer Grocery Store. I miss living in a space larger than 9 square feet and I miss having a window so I can keep my beloved plants. I miss having my own bathroom, because let's face it, everyone poops and it's not something you wanna share with 50 other people. I miss having a kitchen with a full spice cabinet and tons of dishes. I miss home, but I'm not really sure where or when that is. I have to settle down and start my own family before I have a clear idea of home again, I think. So, I'll be a lost wanderer for a few more years while I figure out where I'm meant to be.
My boyfriend is going to come to America with me. We're not really sure yet how we're gonna make it work, but we will somehow. Learning English will be faster and easier if he's in America, and the language barrier is a big stress in out relationship. And, we don't want to be separated for six months. One month is bearable, but six months is unthinkable. Also, it will bring us closer if he can see where I'm from, like I've seen where he's from. I've met most of his family and been to his hometown. I want him to meet my family, too, and to see where I grew up. That will require a lot of road trips, but I want him to experience an American road trip, too.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Falling Into Place
Between the time I made the last post and now, I was able to enroll in another class, bringing me to a full-time student load of 12 credits rather than the original 16 I had before that fiasco. I got the problem with my classes showing up on the website fixed, found out what textbooks I need, and ordered them. It is now 8am, I'm done freaking out, and I'm going to do some laundry and take a shower. Not to mention I'm going to take a few deep breaths and try to stop hating my beloved Michigan State University.
School Frustrations and Big Decisions
I finally had it worked out. I was changing my major to International Studies and Psychology instead of Asian Studies and Psychology, and I was registered for 16 credits of online courses for the fall. I was so caught up in making that work and living my life that I forgot to tell my parents about the tuition deadline. Well, it passed, and I was disenrolled. I was told that I need to re-register, a new bill would be sent out, and everything would be fine. Well I tried, but two of the classes I was in are now full so I have 10 credits; not a full time student load. I emailed the professors for overrides, but they won't give them to me. On top of that, I can't access any of my courses, so although I'm enrolled I can't actually see my classes. I don't know what textbooks I need and it takes a long time and a lot of money to get them to Korea. So I have too few credits, no other choices, no time, no books, and I can't see my classes! What the hell is going on here?!? I have spent so many late nights making this work and it's all falling apart. If I drop out of school I have no future and student loans to pay back that I don't have the money for. I'm stuck with no choice but to attend school and no way to do so. Where do I go from here???????!!!!!!
I felt better a few days after my last post, and then all of these school problems fell on me, so I fell even harder. On top of that, I got really sick again. I was vomiting, had a fever and diarrhea, I hurt from my head to my toes, and had no energy. My boyfriend came all the way from his home across the city (2 hours) to take me to the hospital (hospitals here are somewhere between a hospital and a family practitioner). Apparently it was a flu, and although the chances of it being H1N1 were almost nonexistent, the doctor told me to stay home for one week. No work, no seeing friends, nothing. Well, I felt mostly better the next day but I had already told everyone I couldn't go out for a week. It was probably another case of food poisoning, but just in case I'm taking the week off anyway. I need a rest because of all this stress. I was so relieved when I finally had all of my classes worked out, and then...... back to square one.
I have a plane ticket back to Detroit for December 25, 2009. I was planning to return to Korea in January, but if my last semester of school will be as stressful as this one online, maybe I should just suck it up and return to East Lansing for four months. I could live in Owen Hall, where the rooms I once thought were so small are more than twice the size of where I live now. I could keep tutoring English, and many Koreans and other international students live in Owen Hall, so I could avoid all of the traveling from student to student that caused me so much stress last year and causes me some stress now. Also, with my Korean language skills I would be more of a commodity and could charge higher rates. After living in/around Seoul for almost half a year, I'm used to public transportation and walking long distances, so by living on campus I wouldn't feel the need for a car. I do miss some of the places around Michigan State University. Bubble Island, Taco Bell, Udon Sushi, the Red Cedar River, Gumby's Pizza, etc.. I miss my friends, too. And, living in Owen Hall, I could keep using Korean as much as I wanted, and there is a piano so I could still practice and compose music.
That's about four months away. Four months is forever; four months is the blink of an eye; four months can and has changed everything. I have a life in Korea. I have friends, I have a boyfriend whom I love, and I have confidence. I feel like I belong here. Maybe four months in Michigan would tell me if Korea is my home. Four months in Michigan, one month in Missouri with my grandfather, maybe some time in Iowa with my other grandparents, and if my brother moves to California, some time there. Six months in America. Five months in Korea has told me that nowhere in America is my home because I don't long for it at all. Will six months in America after nine months in Korea make me long for it? When I decided to leave America, I couldn't wait to leave. Now that I'm deciding to go back to America, I'm dreading that day. One thing that I've discovered about myself through all of this is that I'm impulsive in following my heart, but I'm also measured when it comes to following through. In weighing the stress of completing school while living in Korea vs. completing one last semester in America, I can swallow my pride and admit my defeat. I have to go back to East Lansing for the Spring semester.
I think I've already found the direction I was looking for in coming here. As I mentioned before, there's a unique business that I want to open here. I won't tell you what because I don't want anyone stealing my idea, but I think I'm uniquely suited for it, and I have a passion for it. After a few years, I want to marry a Korean guy and have adorable mixed children who speak Korean and English, and I want to raise them in Korea where it's safe and they will have a culture they can be proud of. I want to speak Korean like a native and write songs in Korean and sing them while playing piano for my friends and family. I want to live on my own schedule so I can wake up in the afternoons and work hard late at night and into the early morning, like my body is comfortable with. I want to inspire people and be inspired by them, and I feel like I have a purpose when I'm in Korea. In America, I'm lost- a nameless face in a crowd of other lost people. I like just about everything about Korea better. The food tastes better. The music is better. The fashion is better. The average person is nicer. It's safer. The environment just fits me better. I know my father hates coming to Korea, and I'm sure my mother and brother would, too. Most of my non-Korean friends would think Kore is cool and interesting as an exotic place to visit a friend, but would never imagine living here.
I will view returning to America not as a defeat, but a test of my conviction. If I still have the same dream when I'm on the other side of the world, then I know that these nine months here are only the beginning. If I find some other path, I'll know that coming to Korea was 100% worth it anyway.
I'll keep working out this semester online (probably ending with bad grades), and register for courses on-campus for the Spring semester (hopefully ending with good grades for the first time since Spring 2007). I'm sorry to everyone in Korea who expected me to come back in January, but you'll have to wait six months for me instead of one. I'm sorry to everyone in America, but I'm not coming back for you. I will be happy to see you, but I will leave again like I did in March. Everyone has their own place, and don't ask me why, but I think mine is here in Korea.
I felt better a few days after my last post, and then all of these school problems fell on me, so I fell even harder. On top of that, I got really sick again. I was vomiting, had a fever and diarrhea, I hurt from my head to my toes, and had no energy. My boyfriend came all the way from his home across the city (2 hours) to take me to the hospital (hospitals here are somewhere between a hospital and a family practitioner). Apparently it was a flu, and although the chances of it being H1N1 were almost nonexistent, the doctor told me to stay home for one week. No work, no seeing friends, nothing. Well, I felt mostly better the next day but I had already told everyone I couldn't go out for a week. It was probably another case of food poisoning, but just in case I'm taking the week off anyway. I need a rest because of all this stress. I was so relieved when I finally had all of my classes worked out, and then...... back to square one.
I have a plane ticket back to Detroit for December 25, 2009. I was planning to return to Korea in January, but if my last semester of school will be as stressful as this one online, maybe I should just suck it up and return to East Lansing for four months. I could live in Owen Hall, where the rooms I once thought were so small are more than twice the size of where I live now. I could keep tutoring English, and many Koreans and other international students live in Owen Hall, so I could avoid all of the traveling from student to student that caused me so much stress last year and causes me some stress now. Also, with my Korean language skills I would be more of a commodity and could charge higher rates. After living in/around Seoul for almost half a year, I'm used to public transportation and walking long distances, so by living on campus I wouldn't feel the need for a car. I do miss some of the places around Michigan State University. Bubble Island, Taco Bell, Udon Sushi, the Red Cedar River, Gumby's Pizza, etc.. I miss my friends, too. And, living in Owen Hall, I could keep using Korean as much as I wanted, and there is a piano so I could still practice and compose music.
That's about four months away. Four months is forever; four months is the blink of an eye; four months can and has changed everything. I have a life in Korea. I have friends, I have a boyfriend whom I love, and I have confidence. I feel like I belong here. Maybe four months in Michigan would tell me if Korea is my home. Four months in Michigan, one month in Missouri with my grandfather, maybe some time in Iowa with my other grandparents, and if my brother moves to California, some time there. Six months in America. Five months in Korea has told me that nowhere in America is my home because I don't long for it at all. Will six months in America after nine months in Korea make me long for it? When I decided to leave America, I couldn't wait to leave. Now that I'm deciding to go back to America, I'm dreading that day. One thing that I've discovered about myself through all of this is that I'm impulsive in following my heart, but I'm also measured when it comes to following through. In weighing the stress of completing school while living in Korea vs. completing one last semester in America, I can swallow my pride and admit my defeat. I have to go back to East Lansing for the Spring semester.
I think I've already found the direction I was looking for in coming here. As I mentioned before, there's a unique business that I want to open here. I won't tell you what because I don't want anyone stealing my idea, but I think I'm uniquely suited for it, and I have a passion for it. After a few years, I want to marry a Korean guy and have adorable mixed children who speak Korean and English, and I want to raise them in Korea where it's safe and they will have a culture they can be proud of. I want to speak Korean like a native and write songs in Korean and sing them while playing piano for my friends and family. I want to live on my own schedule so I can wake up in the afternoons and work hard late at night and into the early morning, like my body is comfortable with. I want to inspire people and be inspired by them, and I feel like I have a purpose when I'm in Korea. In America, I'm lost- a nameless face in a crowd of other lost people. I like just about everything about Korea better. The food tastes better. The music is better. The fashion is better. The average person is nicer. It's safer. The environment just fits me better. I know my father hates coming to Korea, and I'm sure my mother and brother would, too. Most of my non-Korean friends would think Kore is cool and interesting as an exotic place to visit a friend, but would never imagine living here.
I will view returning to America not as a defeat, but a test of my conviction. If I still have the same dream when I'm on the other side of the world, then I know that these nine months here are only the beginning. If I find some other path, I'll know that coming to Korea was 100% worth it anyway.
I'll keep working out this semester online (probably ending with bad grades), and register for courses on-campus for the Spring semester (hopefully ending with good grades for the first time since Spring 2007). I'm sorry to everyone in Korea who expected me to come back in January, but you'll have to wait six months for me instead of one. I'm sorry to everyone in America, but I'm not coming back for you. I will be happy to see you, but I will leave again like I did in March. Everyone has their own place, and don't ask me why, but I think mine is here in Korea.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Depression
Yes, folks. You knew it was coming. Nobody can move to the other side of the planet alone at 21 years old with no solid plan without hitting that solid wall of depression sooner or later.
I think a big part of it is that I live in a room the size of my mother's walk-in closet, maybe even smaller, with a window to the dark hallway. I share a bathroom and a kitchen with tons of strangers who looks at me like I'm some kind of exotic species, and I can't make much noise lest I disturb my neighbors in their 2 meter x 2 meter cells.
Another big part is that my life is going nowhere and I know it, but I don't know what the hell to do about it.
Another is the pressure from everyone.
Pressure from people in Korea: move closer to the place I usually work, move closer to my boyfriend, don't move. Moving is difficult for many reasons, like money, work, etc. but staying is even more difficult. When am I going back to America? Stay. Don't go. Stay. Stay in Korea.
Pressure from school: I must graduate, I must take certain classes, I must change my major (now it's a Bachelor of Science in International Studies and Psychology), I must get textbooks because classes start next Wednesday- when did it become September?
Pressure from home: I must keep in touch. I should move home. Am I failing in Korea yet? What am I really doing? Why not just go back home and everyone will be happy! Don't stay in Korea. Come home. What am I doing? What is the exciting life of Kristin like? Am I still alive? Helloooooo? Honestly, if I were dead, people would be informed. I do have my passport. Anyway I'm pretty sure Bundang is the safest place I've ever lived and life is actually pretty normal now. I have a daily routine and a social life, and when I feel the urge to spill my revelations onto the internet I do so for all to read. I never talked to anyone when I lived in America, and I haven't changed. I try to keep in touch a little more, chatting via this blog, letting everyone know what's up. Don't you know more about my life now than you have for the past 3 years?? I know I've been a distant daughter, friend, sister. It's just my nature. Only the things and people in front of my face feel real, and there are so many of them that it's difficult to reach out beyond them to the things and people not included in my daily life. I'm sorry, okay? It's just who I am, so please stop pressuring me because it's driving me insane.
Pressure from myself: Where is this amazing epitome I'm looking for? Where is the new start? It feels like the same thing with different scenery and characters. Like Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. I love it here so much, but why haven't I changed? I still forget about my responsibilities too much, I procrastinate, I back out of friendships when I get annoyed, I ignore the people who care about me, I sleep way too much and it affects my life in negative ways, I can't handle being alone, I need other people to admire me in order for me to admire myself. What has changed? Where is the new, stronger, Kristin? Why am I still like this? Didn't displacing myself completely light a fire under my ass to shape up and start acting like a responsible adult? I'm paying bills on time and being a nice person, but that's not enough. When is the magic moment when I don't need my mom to remind me to take care of things anymore? How do I make myself take care of myself? Why do I keep looking for someone to take care of me? Grow up already!!!!!!
Pressure from the lack of.... : I still have nowhere that really feels like home. I love my family but I've never felt like I belong in it. There is no geographical place that I'm attached to. I love my boyfriend but I'm terrified that this relationship could fall apart. Where am I even going with my life? Where will I be this time next year? Even if our relationship is still strong then, will I even be living in the same country? What kind of job will I have? I have a dream of starting a particularly unique business but I know absolutely nothing about business and I don't have the money or Korean citizen status or Korean language fluency necessary to start a business here even if I had the money, so where will I find a partner? Do I have enough passion for it? My future is a complete blank so I completely lack motivation to do anything. What goal am I reaching for? I'm headed in a direction, I know, and I'm working toward something, but it would help if I knew what the hell that something is!
I'm overwhelmed and under-supported. I don't mean that you all aren't supporting me enough. It's just that your support, while helpful, uplifting, and greatly appreciated and comforting, is not really tangible unless I'm sitting in front of my computer reading it. What about the other 23 hours a day? And the support of my friends in Korea is the same. When I'm not looking at their faces or reading their text messages or talking to them online it's not tangible. The support from my boyfriend is the strongest here, but he is only one man and he lives quite far away, so when I've needed him every day this week it's been physically impossible for him to be here for me. I've always been a very physical person, and things and people, as I said before, if they are not in front of me they are easily forgotten. Not in a malevolent way; it's just that I'm not good at remembering five bajillion things at the same time, and because my life is not very focused, there are always enough things going on immediately around me to push thoughts of the more distant things away. And, I'm only good at focusing on one thing at a time. So if I'm working, I'm only working. I am 100% there. And when it's over, it's over until the next time I work. When I'm with a friend, I am 100% with that friend. When I'm with my boyfriend, I'm 200% with him. When I'm not singularly occupied, thoughts explode in my head and I can't sort them all out. If there's too much to do, I do nothing because I'm overwhelmed and I can't make choices like where to start. If there's one thing to do, I will be more focused than most people ever can be. Basically, what I mean by under-supported is that I need so much more support from others than I should need, because I can't be my own supporter. I don't know how. And until I figure that out, I will always have this depression no matter where I run and no matter who I rely on and no matter what I do. To be my own supporter, I have to have more than the pride I hold in my talents. I have to have an outlet for those talents that I can be passionate about, and I have to see myself accomplishing something and constantly improving.
I am improving a lot. My Korean language skills, my patience (which I already had a lot of), my flexibility, my interpersonal skills, my radar for detecting people's intentions (i.e. if a guy wants to be my friend because he likes me, or if it's because he wants inappropriate things), my ability to laugh at myself, my knowledge about the way I think and assess the world, the fourth piano song I've been composing, etc.. I'm even gradually losing weight and gaining self-confidence, although like almost every person on earth, I am still very self-conscious.
But all of these things are a hodgepodge, a mess of random talents, personality traits, and insights. There's no focus, nothing to apply them to. Like the classes I'm taking just for the credits toward graduation. I feel like I'm killing time, that I don't even need school except for the stupid piece of paper that tells the rest of that world that I'm smart. I'm smart without the paper. Any of you who know me personally can attest to the fact that I am a clever, insightful person with academic knowledge equal to that of a person holding a bachelor's degree. I'm a language and music composition genius, and although I often downplay my intelligence in other areas, I'm also great at science, writing (note: I don't edit or plan these blog posts so they're not the best sample of my writing ability), and a very philosophical and intuitive thinker. I'm not very good with numbers or remembering names, but anything that can be thought of as a puzzle, progression, or pattern is simple to me. Well, not Rubiks cubes. But I'm sure if I applied myself to figuring one out without getting bored before finishing like I usually do, I could. I'm also eerily good at figuring out what people are thinking without them having to say it, which helps me a lot as an English as a second language teacher. It's also the reason, coupled with my patience and lack of judgmental answers, that many of my friends come to me with their problems. No, I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough to have that stupid diploma so I can get my life started already. After five years, I am tired of working and going to school at the same time. I want to do one or the other. My grades are suffering because I just don't care anymore. Last year, one of the biggest reasons I almost failed was that I cared more about tutoring English to foreigners than I cared about my classes, interesting as they were.
Last year, I was also devastated over my grandmother's death, and working way too hard and still not making enough to pay the bills which resulted in more stress. I won't even go into the other reasons I've discovered. Basically, I ended up a pretty self-loathing and world-loathing human being and lost all care for anything. I would not like to repeat that. So no, I am not going back to that place where all of those memories are, where it is winter for six months every year, where Detroit is dying and everyone is calmly digging their graves, resigned to slowly dying with it. I prefer my prison cell-like room and all of the complaints I have in this entry to that gloom and the stale air. Yeah, it's fresh and clean air because of its chemical purity thanks to the Great Lakes, but it's suffocating all the same. I realize now that the only reason I always thought of Michigan as my home was that I had nothing to compare it to except my one horrible, maladjusted, friendless year in Florida.
So basically, sorry this is not chipper and humorous, but I am a human, and humans get depressed, so I thought it a valid and very integral part of my journey to include in this journal. I have had more than enough time here to think about it. Funny, though, I still haven't found my answer.
That doesn't mean I won't find it. That just means I haven't yet.
I think a big part of it is that I live in a room the size of my mother's walk-in closet, maybe even smaller, with a window to the dark hallway. I share a bathroom and a kitchen with tons of strangers who looks at me like I'm some kind of exotic species, and I can't make much noise lest I disturb my neighbors in their 2 meter x 2 meter cells.
Another big part is that my life is going nowhere and I know it, but I don't know what the hell to do about it.
Another is the pressure from everyone.
Pressure from people in Korea: move closer to the place I usually work, move closer to my boyfriend, don't move. Moving is difficult for many reasons, like money, work, etc. but staying is even more difficult. When am I going back to America? Stay. Don't go. Stay. Stay in Korea.
Pressure from school: I must graduate, I must take certain classes, I must change my major (now it's a Bachelor of Science in International Studies and Psychology), I must get textbooks because classes start next Wednesday- when did it become September?
Pressure from home: I must keep in touch. I should move home. Am I failing in Korea yet? What am I really doing? Why not just go back home and everyone will be happy! Don't stay in Korea. Come home. What am I doing? What is the exciting life of Kristin like? Am I still alive? Helloooooo? Honestly, if I were dead, people would be informed. I do have my passport. Anyway I'm pretty sure Bundang is the safest place I've ever lived and life is actually pretty normal now. I have a daily routine and a social life, and when I feel the urge to spill my revelations onto the internet I do so for all to read. I never talked to anyone when I lived in America, and I haven't changed. I try to keep in touch a little more, chatting via this blog, letting everyone know what's up. Don't you know more about my life now than you have for the past 3 years?? I know I've been a distant daughter, friend, sister. It's just my nature. Only the things and people in front of my face feel real, and there are so many of them that it's difficult to reach out beyond them to the things and people not included in my daily life. I'm sorry, okay? It's just who I am, so please stop pressuring me because it's driving me insane.
Pressure from myself: Where is this amazing epitome I'm looking for? Where is the new start? It feels like the same thing with different scenery and characters. Like Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. I love it here so much, but why haven't I changed? I still forget about my responsibilities too much, I procrastinate, I back out of friendships when I get annoyed, I ignore the people who care about me, I sleep way too much and it affects my life in negative ways, I can't handle being alone, I need other people to admire me in order for me to admire myself. What has changed? Where is the new, stronger, Kristin? Why am I still like this? Didn't displacing myself completely light a fire under my ass to shape up and start acting like a responsible adult? I'm paying bills on time and being a nice person, but that's not enough. When is the magic moment when I don't need my mom to remind me to take care of things anymore? How do I make myself take care of myself? Why do I keep looking for someone to take care of me? Grow up already!!!!!!
Pressure from the lack of.... : I still have nowhere that really feels like home. I love my family but I've never felt like I belong in it. There is no geographical place that I'm attached to. I love my boyfriend but I'm terrified that this relationship could fall apart. Where am I even going with my life? Where will I be this time next year? Even if our relationship is still strong then, will I even be living in the same country? What kind of job will I have? I have a dream of starting a particularly unique business but I know absolutely nothing about business and I don't have the money or Korean citizen status or Korean language fluency necessary to start a business here even if I had the money, so where will I find a partner? Do I have enough passion for it? My future is a complete blank so I completely lack motivation to do anything. What goal am I reaching for? I'm headed in a direction, I know, and I'm working toward something, but it would help if I knew what the hell that something is!
I'm overwhelmed and under-supported. I don't mean that you all aren't supporting me enough. It's just that your support, while helpful, uplifting, and greatly appreciated and comforting, is not really tangible unless I'm sitting in front of my computer reading it. What about the other 23 hours a day? And the support of my friends in Korea is the same. When I'm not looking at their faces or reading their text messages or talking to them online it's not tangible. The support from my boyfriend is the strongest here, but he is only one man and he lives quite far away, so when I've needed him every day this week it's been physically impossible for him to be here for me. I've always been a very physical person, and things and people, as I said before, if they are not in front of me they are easily forgotten. Not in a malevolent way; it's just that I'm not good at remembering five bajillion things at the same time, and because my life is not very focused, there are always enough things going on immediately around me to push thoughts of the more distant things away. And, I'm only good at focusing on one thing at a time. So if I'm working, I'm only working. I am 100% there. And when it's over, it's over until the next time I work. When I'm with a friend, I am 100% with that friend. When I'm with my boyfriend, I'm 200% with him. When I'm not singularly occupied, thoughts explode in my head and I can't sort them all out. If there's too much to do, I do nothing because I'm overwhelmed and I can't make choices like where to start. If there's one thing to do, I will be more focused than most people ever can be. Basically, what I mean by under-supported is that I need so much more support from others than I should need, because I can't be my own supporter. I don't know how. And until I figure that out, I will always have this depression no matter where I run and no matter who I rely on and no matter what I do. To be my own supporter, I have to have more than the pride I hold in my talents. I have to have an outlet for those talents that I can be passionate about, and I have to see myself accomplishing something and constantly improving.
I am improving a lot. My Korean language skills, my patience (which I already had a lot of), my flexibility, my interpersonal skills, my radar for detecting people's intentions (i.e. if a guy wants to be my friend because he likes me, or if it's because he wants inappropriate things), my ability to laugh at myself, my knowledge about the way I think and assess the world, the fourth piano song I've been composing, etc.. I'm even gradually losing weight and gaining self-confidence, although like almost every person on earth, I am still very self-conscious.
But all of these things are a hodgepodge, a mess of random talents, personality traits, and insights. There's no focus, nothing to apply them to. Like the classes I'm taking just for the credits toward graduation. I feel like I'm killing time, that I don't even need school except for the stupid piece of paper that tells the rest of that world that I'm smart. I'm smart without the paper. Any of you who know me personally can attest to the fact that I am a clever, insightful person with academic knowledge equal to that of a person holding a bachelor's degree. I'm a language and music composition genius, and although I often downplay my intelligence in other areas, I'm also great at science, writing (note: I don't edit or plan these blog posts so they're not the best sample of my writing ability), and a very philosophical and intuitive thinker. I'm not very good with numbers or remembering names, but anything that can be thought of as a puzzle, progression, or pattern is simple to me. Well, not Rubiks cubes. But I'm sure if I applied myself to figuring one out without getting bored before finishing like I usually do, I could. I'm also eerily good at figuring out what people are thinking without them having to say it, which helps me a lot as an English as a second language teacher. It's also the reason, coupled with my patience and lack of judgmental answers, that many of my friends come to me with their problems. No, I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough to have that stupid diploma so I can get my life started already. After five years, I am tired of working and going to school at the same time. I want to do one or the other. My grades are suffering because I just don't care anymore. Last year, one of the biggest reasons I almost failed was that I cared more about tutoring English to foreigners than I cared about my classes, interesting as they were.
Last year, I was also devastated over my grandmother's death, and working way too hard and still not making enough to pay the bills which resulted in more stress. I won't even go into the other reasons I've discovered. Basically, I ended up a pretty self-loathing and world-loathing human being and lost all care for anything. I would not like to repeat that. So no, I am not going back to that place where all of those memories are, where it is winter for six months every year, where Detroit is dying and everyone is calmly digging their graves, resigned to slowly dying with it. I prefer my prison cell-like room and all of the complaints I have in this entry to that gloom and the stale air. Yeah, it's fresh and clean air because of its chemical purity thanks to the Great Lakes, but it's suffocating all the same. I realize now that the only reason I always thought of Michigan as my home was that I had nothing to compare it to except my one horrible, maladjusted, friendless year in Florida.
So basically, sorry this is not chipper and humorous, but I am a human, and humans get depressed, so I thought it a valid and very integral part of my journey to include in this journal. I have had more than enough time here to think about it. Funny, though, I still haven't found my answer.
That doesn't mean I won't find it. That just means I haven't yet.
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