Fame

In America, if you see 100 people and 5 are not white (the majority race), you think, "there are a lot of white people here." In Korea, if there are 100 people and 5 are not Korean, you think, "why are there so many foreigners here?"

At first it was kind of fun. I'm kind of a celebrity here without even trying. Everyone thinks I'm beautiful and is fascinated by me. People like to give me free things and gifts. Strangers say "hello" to me on the street or speak to me in English on the subway sometimes. A large number of my friends and students say I'm the first or maybe second foreigner they've ever talked to. They're shy and excited and they have a million questions. My guy friends make jokes about dating me and some of them ask periodically if I have a boyfriend or am looking for one. There's a waiting list at this point.

Girls whisper about me and guys stare. When I'm with a Korean friend speaking English, we might as well have a flashing neon sign above us saying, "UNIQUE SPECTACLE" or "LOOK SHE'S AMERICAN~GUESS IF (S)HE'S KOREAN-BORN OR NOT" or one of a million other things Korean think about us. Men tend to think, based on movies and TV dramas, that I'm easy, and I've even been asked for sex on a first meeting. Old people sometimes gape in horror if I'm with a guy. I still remember the incident with the crazy old man in 까치산 (Ggachisan) who grabbed my boob and kissed my cheek. Someone I originally met for a job interview ended up trying to kiss me. Even in my own home, if I cook something in the kitchen and there are other people there, it's extremely awkward. I don't know if I should say something or not, and although the people are usually kind, I have a strange feeling that they are judging me.

I'm becoming narcissistic and paranoid, and I'm developing illusions of reference. If I look around, I can tell that not EVERYONE is staring at me. But, I still THINK they are. Sometimes I strut my stuff and drink in the attention, real or perceived. Some days I just wish they would all go away or that I could find a place to be alone and scream and release some steam.

I'm gradually losing weight. I bought jeans that were too tight in America in anticipation of this (public transportation, healthier food). Now I need a belt to wear those jeans. My legs are becoming more toned and less jiggly. I'll admit readily that I'm not a skinny person, but I might finally get to know what being thin feels like while living in Korea. After a lifetime of being average, the extra attention here and the fact that looking at myself in the mirror is becoming more satisfying is really inflating my ego. I see this and I hate it. I love myself and I hate myself at the same time. I feel guilty that I'm enjoying the result of West worship in Korea. I've always wanted to be admired, but I wanted to earn it. Here I get a million extra points just because I'm American.

When I do see other foreigners, it's strange to me now. They look so awkward and out of place. The men are usually not handsome, and the women are usually not beautiful. Since I prefer Korean men over western men anyway, most foreign men here look just plain ugly to me. But many of them have beautiful Korean girlfriends, because Korean girls generally LOVE men who are fluent in English. Western women don't often accept Korean boyfriends. I know it's easy to get a Korean boyfriend as a Western woman, but it's much more unusual to see a Korean man-Western woman couple than it is to see a Western man-Korean woman couple. This could have to do with women valuing conversation more than men, thus making it difficult to find a good boyfriend whose first language is different. Maybe it has to do with the size stereotypes. It could be because Koreans usualy have smaller bodies and muscles and much less confidence than Westerners. This goes for both men and women. In women, small and shy is almost universally desirable, whereas in men, strong and confident is desirable. Therefore, the women from a small race and shy culture are sought after, but the men are shunned. Usually if I see another foreign women with a boyfriend here, the boyfriend is also a foreigner. Remember, the night I broke my nose I talked to a Russian girl who likes black men. I think Western men also become narcissistic after a while here, as most of the ones I've met are players. They can't really speak Korean, just enough to get a girl in bed where they say they can speak a "universal language" with those cute Korean girls. There's a reason all of my friends here are Koreans.

All in all, I'm becoming very self-conscious. I find myself looking around for mirrors in public, of which there are many compared to in America. Koreans primp a lot, both men and women. I wonder if people are staring at my large feet or my imperfect skin and judging the entire western world by my actions and clothes. I'm extra embarrassed when I do something clumsy, which as those of you who know me well can attest to, is pretty often. I try to look sexy, cute, and/or sophisticated at all times and I'm always trying to look like I know what I'm doing, even if I don't. You can imagine I make a fool of myself pretty often. There are language barrier issues, culture differences, the differences between living in suburbs like I have for my entire life and living in a big city in which half the population of Korea is crammed. On top of all that, I'm a 21-year-old girl living alone in an unfamiliar country with no real goals or purpose and no clue who I am. I'm at the finding-out-who-I-am stage of my life and I have no anchor to help me keep my feet on the ground. I'm drifting in white-water rapids, and the days here are the slowest I've ever felt but at the same time they're going by more quickly than ever before. There are so many things I need to do, so many things I want to do, so many things I forget to do.

Life is completely overwhelming and I really don't know how I would stay afloat without having a place to play piano. I'm lucky I have some hobby that's so close to my heart that I can take anywhere. Now I've been playing piano for 11 years and composing music is my catharsis. But even in the music academy where I practice, I'm always wondering if people are judging me because I'm the only foreigner and the rooms aren't 100% soundproof and I sing. I know I' m a good singer but what if they're listening and picking out every slightly wrong note and ever time my voice cracks, and what if while I'm learning a song they're mocking how little talent I have and thinking Americans must be terrible at playing music? What if they don't like the songs I choose to play, or worse yet, what if they hate the songs I compose? What if they secretly think I'm strange and they talk about me where I can't hear them. Well, they'd be talking in Korean so I wouldn't understand them anyway. When I hear them talking, I always wonder if it's about me.

Whenever I hear people talking, I always wonder if it's about me. Sometimes I know it is because of body language or the few words I understand. Mostly it's neutral or good, I think. For instance, I hear the phrase "English teacher" a lot, and one of the first words I learned here because I hear it so much is "beautiful". But my Korean vocabulary is very limited, especially in terms of negative words. I don't know the word for ugly, so I would never know if someone said it. This heightens my anxiety because if they're saying good things, I feel like a red carpet celebrity. If they're saying bad things, I feel like a front page criminal. I always feel like a monkey on display at the zoo.

When the attention first bothered me, I tuned it out easily and got on with my life. Now I make a conscious effort not to look at people. If I meet someone's eyes, I have a moment of terror. I don't completely know why terror is the feeling I get. I have a constant anxiety and a fear of people following me. I'm even afraid to talk to people because I'm sure I'll understand enough to prove I can speak Korean, but not enough to understand what they're actually saying. That's worse than understanding nothing because I feel like a child or an idiot. If I understand nothing, the Korean is the one who feels stupid because he/she can't speak English, which is becoming a class distinction in Korea. The only thing I hate more than being frustrated by the language barrier is the thought that people are assuming I'm a tourist. I try to speak Korean even if I know the person can speak English because I don't want to be seen as a tourist. That nullifies my existence here. I'm trying to make Korea my home. I can't be a tourist and a resident at the same time.

The funny thing is... I hate it more when people don't pay attention to me than when they do. It makes me indignant. Like, HEY I'm special~ you should be admiring me!! You should want to sit next to me on the bus or the subway so that you can brag about it to your friends later!! Because the worst thing is when people see me briefly and then purposely avoid me. I've seen people stand or walk to the other side of the subway to find a seat rather than sit next to me. On the bus, one woman even put her purse on the empty seat next to her as I got on to prevent me from sitting next to her. Do they hate me or are they just afraid? A bank teller admitted that he was afraid when I approached his desk because he would have to speak English. His English was really, really good. He had no reason to be afraid. Some of my friends say that some people hate Westerners and want all of us to leave, especially Americans. It's a very complicated political and cultural situation that I don't completely understand. I came here curious about how Koreans think of Japan and Japanese people, but I find myself being an object of so many different emotions and judgments. Whether I like it or not, I will never fit in here.

I just want to scream "I'M A HUMAN TOO~!!! PLEASE JUST TREAT ME LIKE YOU TREAT EVERYONE ELSE!!!"

As a white, middle-class, suburban-raised girl, being a minority (minority feels like an understatement~ more like rarity) is completely new to me. I had many foreign friends in America and sometimes hung out in groups that were 100% Asian except for me, but this is something I can't compare to any other experience in my life. To every minority member in the world, I'm sorry for the way you are treated.

Hopefully I can get past this stage soon. I know I will find a comfort zone in my mental assessment of my daily life eventually. At this point I actually sometimes go out for no real reason except that I crave the attention. I'll buy one thing at the convenience store just to see the look on the cashier's face when I say something in Korean. I'm testing the boundaries. I'm playing a game. I'm experimenting on society. They're doing the same to me. The future should be interesting.