I started cleaning my room today (it really needed it after all the neglect it's had this busy semester) and as I was going through my years' worth of belongings I realized that most of them are not important. I have at least 100 pairs of earrings, and only about 15 are worth keeping. I have a tiny glass orca whale that sits on a little mirror that suddenly seems useless after years of being one of my favorite things. I have over $5 in pennies. Why have I kept all of these things? I have every card and letter I've received since elementary school. I don't even remember some of the people they're from. I've always had a tendency to horde because I feel like things have sentimental value or they will be useful eventually (i.e. broken jewelry and old shirts and jeans as fabric scraps) or I feel guilty getting rid of them because they are gifts or look somewhat valuable. But now that I'm trying to gradually make my way down to two suitcases and two carry-ons, I realize that many of my things are, in fact, of very little value to me. This completely opposite view from the last 20 years is really refreshing. I feel like I'm cutting away anchors and confinements.
I got an email from my stepmother, and one of the things she said struck me. She asked me what I'm really running away from. My answer that I will give her when I go home to each parent's house to talk about my decision is this: She has known me for almost 10 years. I would like to know when, out of all of those years, she ever saw me happy. I don't know what I'm running away from exactly, but I know that whatever I need to be happy is not here and it never has been. What has been here is personal growth. I can face this challenge I've made for myself with courage because I've moved so many times (6 cities, at least 10 houses/apartments/condos, plus 5 years of split custody on a switch-houses-every-two-weeks basis). I can face it because I've been hurt and healed so many times. I can face it because I can look back at the lonely, hopeless little girl I used to be and know that I've grown into an optimistic young woman with a lot of people who care about me. I can face it because I know I can't face the same thing any longer. New pain brings new lessons. Old pain just tells me that even though I figured them out and tried to fix them, the same problems will never leave me alone. I can face this challenge ahead of me because it's not so much what I'm running away from. There's really almost nothing here for me. It's what I'm running away to. I'm running away to a life that will be my own crazy, unpredictable, incredible journey without all of my baggage. I'm purging the black hole that lives in my heart when I think of the past and the direction I'm going as a direct continuation of the past. I'm bringing very little baggage, physically and mentally, to Korea. I'm ending my life as it has been. I am making myself be reborn.
So, this is me casting off my chains. To anyone I hurt, I'm sorry. To everyone who hurt me, I forgive you. Soon my cluttered wall will be as blank as the day I moved in. Soon my closet will be empty; no more monsters. Soon I will start over. Nothing can hold me back. I am spreading my wings and shaking them off in preparation to fly. Just try and catch me!
On March 26, 2009, I left my life in America and moved to South Korea. I put my worldly possessions into two suitcases and a backpack and got on a plane. On December 8, 2012, I returned not to my hometown of Detroit, but to Silicon Valley, California, where I married an Indian engineer. In 2020, I divorced and moved to southern California. In this blog are my successes, failures, and observations of life in different cultures.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
MSU Final Exams
Today I took my Japanese class final exam, which is officially the end of my classes at Michigan State University here in East Lansing (other than my TESOL certification course, which is on the MSU campus on weekends). It's bittersweet. Now I have a lot of work and a lot of planning to do. 자 지금 시작해요!
Also, I'm figuring out how to make a video diary with the webcam I got Sunday for Skype. When I get it to work I'll post video diary entries here :)
Also, I'm figuring out how to make a video diary with the webcam I got Sunday for Skype. When I get it to work I'll post video diary entries here :)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Why I Decided to Run Away
What exactly happened in my life that made me want to leave with no plan to return? This question has a lot of answers, and maybe it doesn't ask everything you need to know. So here are my reasons. The answer to 'why Korea?' is simple: I have the beginnings of a social network there and viable opportunities; also, I am interested in Korean culture and love Korean food, music, history, etc. and I've discovered that Korean people are on average some of the most honest and caring people in the world.
1. There is almost nothing here for me. I'm young so nobody depends on me and I have no career to tie me down yet. Although I have a lot of amazing friends, I barely see them because I'm working all the time. And when I'm not working, I'm in class and/or sleeping. And even with all the work I do, the bills pile up and I find myself coming up short again and again. Right now the tires on my car have dangerously little tread on them but I don't even have enough room on my credit card, which is being used to pay for rent, electricity, my phone, gas, food, and parking, to buy them. I'm not claiming that I'm completely responsible with money; I get parking tickets and I go out for coffee or dinner every once in a while. But those small expenditures are less than most of my peers'. There's some disconnect; some lost time in traveling and transitions between students. Oh yeah, I'm a freelance private English as a second language tutor and also a personal assistant for a man with rare dwarfism. I had seven students for the greater part of the past semester and worked about 20 billable hours per week, which doesn't include half hour travel time between appointments, which tend to be 1-2 hours long. I do this because I haven't been able to find a real job here. At first, I taught piano for two years, but piano students are unreliable and the money isn't worth my time anymore. I love my job but it's really driving me into the ground and I have very little to show for it.
2. My grandmother, one of the most important people in my life, passed away in late May. I have been having a lot of trouble dealing with that. She always wanted nothing more than for everyone she loved to be happy, and I feel like I'm failing her because I can only make those around me happy instead of myself. Also, she loved adventure and travel and spontaneity. So, I feel like she would love this decision and live vicariously through me if she were here. If she's been watching me for the past few months, then I'm sure her tears have been in the rain often because I can see myself going crazy from stress. That would cause her pain.
3. I can't concentrate. I've always been a forgetful person, but recently it went from being quirky to impeding my ability to function in everyday life. I laugh and make jokes about it, but it's a serious issue, and when I say I can't remember anything unless I write it down, it's not an exaggeration anymore. For the first time, I'm failing classes. It's not because I don't understand the material; it's because I can't force myself to do the homework and I can't hear my alarms to make it to class on time, even though my first class this semester was at 12:40pm. Little things add up and even though I absorb languages like a sponge, my Japanese and Korean class grades are suffering. And even though I'm an eloquent writer when called upon, I just haven't written my papers for my classes. I hate myself for it and I sit down prepared to work and nothing happens. Time just disappears and then I'm more exhausted, more ashamed, and more stressed.
4. My relationships with the people around me have become dry. I find myself caring less about everyone around me than I used to. People whose company I once thoroughly enjoyed now mildly annoy me. When someone is talking to me it goes in one ear and out the other more often than not; whereas I used to be an attentive and genuinely caring listener. I am becoming listless and cold, which is not a person I want to be or enjoy being. I'm losing hope in life, so I'm losing interest as well.
5. For years, the glass has not been half empty nor half full. It is completely full: half full of whatever you put in there and half full of whatever was in there before (i.e. air). This extreme optimism comes in part from the good experiences I have, but mostly from my hope that the future will be better and the determination to make it so. At the end of every bad day, I go to sleep thinking "it's okay because tomorrow will be amazing." At the end of every bad semester, I think, "it's okay because it's over now and next semester I'll work harder, my teachers will be great, and I'll have a lot of great experiences with great people." But I was thinking about next semester, next year, until I graduate; and, for the first time, I thought, "who am I kidding? It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better." I was planning to move to Japan or Korea after graduation in 2010, and that was the earliest point I could imagine getting better. If I have to live like this for another semester, much less three or four, you'll see me in a mental hospital for sure. I'll crack like an egg. Ironically, 달걀 (dahl gyal), which means 'egg' in Korean, is my nickname from my roommate. It means I'm white on the outside (Caucasian) and yellow on the inside (Asian). But this 달걀 would like to stay out of the frying pan, thank you very much.
6. I've moved quite a bit in my life. Therefore, I have a mild case of wanderlust. What better way to quench such a thirst for change of scenery than by hopping on a plane to the other side of the world?
7. HOPE. I know I mentioned this somewhere up there, but it is the most important reason. I'm not happy with my life right now, and I have no hope that it will get better. So, instead of being miserable, I am making a new start for myself. I'll get a real job and a degree, and I'll do it all without my past mistakes, hardships, and pain hanging over my head as constant reminders of the cruelty of life. I am cleaning the slate of my existence and starting with bright, innocent eyes. But don't worry; I'm not stupid. The last 20 years have not been easy and I know the next 20 aren't going to get simpler. All I want is to work hard and go home without being afraid to check my bank account balance or finding a bill in the mailbox. I want to wake up with a smile instead of wanting to cry just because I have to get out of bed. I want to be satisfied. I want to be happy. I want to feel accomplished instead of useless. I want to be me, just living a life that suits me better than this one. I have hope that I'll find that in Korea.
1. There is almost nothing here for me. I'm young so nobody depends on me and I have no career to tie me down yet. Although I have a lot of amazing friends, I barely see them because I'm working all the time. And when I'm not working, I'm in class and/or sleeping. And even with all the work I do, the bills pile up and I find myself coming up short again and again. Right now the tires on my car have dangerously little tread on them but I don't even have enough room on my credit card, which is being used to pay for rent, electricity, my phone, gas, food, and parking, to buy them. I'm not claiming that I'm completely responsible with money; I get parking tickets and I go out for coffee or dinner every once in a while. But those small expenditures are less than most of my peers'. There's some disconnect; some lost time in traveling and transitions between students. Oh yeah, I'm a freelance private English as a second language tutor and also a personal assistant for a man with rare dwarfism. I had seven students for the greater part of the past semester and worked about 20 billable hours per week, which doesn't include half hour travel time between appointments, which tend to be 1-2 hours long. I do this because I haven't been able to find a real job here. At first, I taught piano for two years, but piano students are unreliable and the money isn't worth my time anymore. I love my job but it's really driving me into the ground and I have very little to show for it.
2. My grandmother, one of the most important people in my life, passed away in late May. I have been having a lot of trouble dealing with that. She always wanted nothing more than for everyone she loved to be happy, and I feel like I'm failing her because I can only make those around me happy instead of myself. Also, she loved adventure and travel and spontaneity. So, I feel like she would love this decision and live vicariously through me if she were here. If she's been watching me for the past few months, then I'm sure her tears have been in the rain often because I can see myself going crazy from stress. That would cause her pain.
3. I can't concentrate. I've always been a forgetful person, but recently it went from being quirky to impeding my ability to function in everyday life. I laugh and make jokes about it, but it's a serious issue, and when I say I can't remember anything unless I write it down, it's not an exaggeration anymore. For the first time, I'm failing classes. It's not because I don't understand the material; it's because I can't force myself to do the homework and I can't hear my alarms to make it to class on time, even though my first class this semester was at 12:40pm. Little things add up and even though I absorb languages like a sponge, my Japanese and Korean class grades are suffering. And even though I'm an eloquent writer when called upon, I just haven't written my papers for my classes. I hate myself for it and I sit down prepared to work and nothing happens. Time just disappears and then I'm more exhausted, more ashamed, and more stressed.
4. My relationships with the people around me have become dry. I find myself caring less about everyone around me than I used to. People whose company I once thoroughly enjoyed now mildly annoy me. When someone is talking to me it goes in one ear and out the other more often than not; whereas I used to be an attentive and genuinely caring listener. I am becoming listless and cold, which is not a person I want to be or enjoy being. I'm losing hope in life, so I'm losing interest as well.
5. For years, the glass has not been half empty nor half full. It is completely full: half full of whatever you put in there and half full of whatever was in there before (i.e. air). This extreme optimism comes in part from the good experiences I have, but mostly from my hope that the future will be better and the determination to make it so. At the end of every bad day, I go to sleep thinking "it's okay because tomorrow will be amazing." At the end of every bad semester, I think, "it's okay because it's over now and next semester I'll work harder, my teachers will be great, and I'll have a lot of great experiences with great people." But I was thinking about next semester, next year, until I graduate; and, for the first time, I thought, "who am I kidding? It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better." I was planning to move to Japan or Korea after graduation in 2010, and that was the earliest point I could imagine getting better. If I have to live like this for another semester, much less three or four, you'll see me in a mental hospital for sure. I'll crack like an egg. Ironically, 달걀 (dahl gyal), which means 'egg' in Korean, is my nickname from my roommate. It means I'm white on the outside (Caucasian) and yellow on the inside (Asian). But this 달걀 would like to stay out of the frying pan, thank you very much.
6. I've moved quite a bit in my life. Therefore, I have a mild case of wanderlust. What better way to quench such a thirst for change of scenery than by hopping on a plane to the other side of the world?
7. HOPE. I know I mentioned this somewhere up there, but it is the most important reason. I'm not happy with my life right now, and I have no hope that it will get better. So, instead of being miserable, I am making a new start for myself. I'll get a real job and a degree, and I'll do it all without my past mistakes, hardships, and pain hanging over my head as constant reminders of the cruelty of life. I am cleaning the slate of my existence and starting with bright, innocent eyes. But don't worry; I'm not stupid. The last 20 years have not been easy and I know the next 20 aren't going to get simpler. All I want is to work hard and go home without being afraid to check my bank account balance or finding a bill in the mailbox. I want to wake up with a smile instead of wanting to cry just because I have to get out of bed. I want to be satisfied. I want to be happy. I want to feel accomplished instead of useless. I want to be me, just living a life that suits me better than this one. I have hope that I'll find that in Korea.
Monday, December 8, 2008
My First Wishlist
Here are a few things that I want and would use in Korea, but I can't afford. I'll try my best to get sponsors so I can get them before I go. If you would like to sponsor me or make a donation, please use the secure Paypal button that says "Donate" on the right-hand menu. Also, I will try to make a few speeches throughout the next four months so you can attend those.
A video camera so I can record my daily life and big moments (like leaving America, arriving in Korea, and starting work and school):
http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=177&modelid=16187
http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8734907&type=product&id=1201913483595
A hand-held electronic translator. I don't have one in mind yet, but it needs to have a lot of Korean in it. Also, if I can get one with Japanese and French as well that would be great because I speak those languages too.
A video camera so I can record my daily life and big moments (like leaving America, arriving in Korea, and starting work and school):
http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=177&modelid=16187
http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8734907&type=product&id=1201913483595
A hand-held electronic translator. I don't have one in mind yet, but it needs to have a lot of Korean in it. Also, if I can get one with Japanese and French as well that would be great because I speak those languages too.
Initial Preparations
Classes: I canceled all of my MSU classes for Spring 2009 and emailed my adviser about it. I'll talk to him in January about taking classes in Korea. My Korean language teacher from this semester offered to let me sit in her class next semester until I leave, and some Korean friends are going to teach me useful Korean. I'm going to take an Oxford TESOL certification class in January and February to get my English teaching certification. That way I'll be able to get a real job and make money in Korea. I'm planning to take classes at Yonsei University in Seoul, which is MSU's sister school; they offer some classes in English. I'll either transfer and get a Yonsei degree, or I'll try to do a two-year study abroad and get an MSU degree from overseas.
A Place to Live: I can probably live with my roommate's parents in Seoul, but if that's not an option one of my students (I've been tutoring English as a second language for over a year) told me I could live with him. Once I'm financially able and have the confidence to make it on my own, I'll get my own apartment.
Communication: I bought a webcam today so I can talk to my friends in Korea until I leave, and then when I get there I can talk to my mom and friends here using Skype and MSN Live Messenger. I tested it with my roommate, and it works wonderfully!
Money: This is the hardest thing, both in my life now and in planning this crazy move. First of all, I have canceled the trip I was planning to California for winter break so I can work. My jobs here are tutoring English as a second language and acting as a personal assistant for a guy with dwarfism. My TESOL course guarantees job placement for 6 months, and if that falls through I have a friend who will start teaching in Korea in February who could help me find a job, so when I get there I'll start making money as soon as possible. I'm going to sell almost everything I own. But I'll need a lot more money. I'm thinking I can try for some scholarships, and maybe I can make a speech at alumni meetings and such to try to get sponsors. I hope this blog can be a tool for me to get sponsorship, kind of like the updates people get on African children they've "adopted." If you have any ideas or if you want to make a donation, please let me know!
A Place to Live: I can probably live with my roommate's parents in Seoul, but if that's not an option one of my students (I've been tutoring English as a second language for over a year) told me I could live with him. Once I'm financially able and have the confidence to make it on my own, I'll get my own apartment.
Communication: I bought a webcam today so I can talk to my friends in Korea until I leave, and then when I get there I can talk to my mom and friends here using Skype and MSN Live Messenger. I tested it with my roommate, and it works wonderfully!
Money: This is the hardest thing, both in my life now and in planning this crazy move. First of all, I have canceled the trip I was planning to California for winter break so I can work. My jobs here are tutoring English as a second language and acting as a personal assistant for a guy with dwarfism. My TESOL course guarantees job placement for 6 months, and if that falls through I have a friend who will start teaching in Korea in February who could help me find a job, so when I get there I'll start making money as soon as possible. I'm going to sell almost everything I own. But I'll need a lot more money. I'm thinking I can try for some scholarships, and maybe I can make a speech at alumni meetings and such to try to get sponsors. I hope this blog can be a tool for me to get sponsorship, kind of like the updates people get on African children they've "adopted." If you have any ideas or if you want to make a donation, please let me know!
Informing Friends and Family
Telling everyone you're dropping all of your classes for the next semester and getting a one-way ticket to the other side of the world isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. What do you say? "You have four months left to see me ever" doesn't really cut it. But, it's been surprisingly simple thus far.
Roommate: I made th decision while talking to my roommate, so she saw my thought process and I didn't need to plan telling her. She's surprised, a little sad, and pretty excited. She's actually Korean, and there's a good chance I'll live with her parents when I get there. So, whenever she visits home, I'll see her; and, if she moves back there when she graduates, we'll be neighbors. No matter what, I know we'll be lifelong friends.
Friends: I wrote a post on my much-neglected Livejournal, which is automatically imported to Facebook. Isn't technology great? Then I changed my Facebook status to "Kristin just decided to change her life completely by moving to Korea in March." So, I got a lot of Facebook replies and a few friends called me to talk about it. So, that was easy.
Brother: I called him. He's supportive and excited. I was never worried that he would disapprove. Also, he was there when I started thinking about it and said it would be really amazing if I went through with it.
Parents: Because it's a time-sensitive matter and I'm always busy except when they're asleep, I sent me parents emails explaining my thought process and my decision and the plans I already have. Then I called my mom yesterday to talk about it. As expected, she's not happy about it and never will be, but she doesn't think it's a bad idea. I'll go home to the Detroit area next weekend, after my final exams. Then I'll talk to both of my parents (they're divorced, so everything involving my parents always comes in pairs).
Extended family: I'll let my parents handle that. I've never really been close to my family. Plus, some of them have Facebook so they've already seen all about it.
Roommate: I made th decision while talking to my roommate, so she saw my thought process and I didn't need to plan telling her. She's surprised, a little sad, and pretty excited. She's actually Korean, and there's a good chance I'll live with her parents when I get there. So, whenever she visits home, I'll see her; and, if she moves back there when she graduates, we'll be neighbors. No matter what, I know we'll be lifelong friends.
Friends: I wrote a post on my much-neglected Livejournal, which is automatically imported to Facebook. Isn't technology great? Then I changed my Facebook status to "Kristin just decided to change her life completely by moving to Korea in March." So, I got a lot of Facebook replies and a few friends called me to talk about it. So, that was easy.
Brother: I called him. He's supportive and excited. I was never worried that he would disapprove. Also, he was there when I started thinking about it and said it would be really amazing if I went through with it.
Parents: Because it's a time-sensitive matter and I'm always busy except when they're asleep, I sent me parents emails explaining my thought process and my decision and the plans I already have. Then I called my mom yesterday to talk about it. As expected, she's not happy about it and never will be, but she doesn't think it's a bad idea. I'll go home to the Detroit area next weekend, after my final exams. Then I'll talk to both of my parents (they're divorced, so everything involving my parents always comes in pairs).
Extended family: I'll let my parents handle that. I've never really been close to my family. Plus, some of them have Facebook so they've already seen all about it.
The Decision
Hi!
My name is Kristin. I'm 20 years old, and until six days ago, I was planning to finish my Bachelor of Science degree in Global and Area Studies with an Asian Studies Concentration and Psychology Cognate at Michigan State University in East Lansing, Michigan in 2010.
What happened on Monday, December 1, 2008? I decided to change my life. There are many reasons, which I'll write about later. The change is this: I am running away to Korea in about four months.
This blog will tell my story from now until after I go there. You will see how I prepare here and how I live there. This is the diary of my greatest adventure.
My name is Kristin. I'm 20 years old, and until six days ago, I was planning to finish my Bachelor of Science degree in Global and Area Studies with an Asian Studies Concentration and Psychology Cognate at Michigan State University in East Lansing, Michigan in 2010.
What happened on Monday, December 1, 2008? I decided to change my life. There are many reasons, which I'll write about later. The change is this: I am running away to Korea in about four months.
This blog will tell my story from now until after I go there. You will see how I prepare here and how I live there. This is the diary of my greatest adventure.
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