Wednesday, June 27, 2012

It's Not a Cold (Mwahahaha)

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

I would change me, because I want to change everything but that's impossible. Unless "everything" counts as one thing?

I wonder sometimes if the world in my head is more severe than the real world. Perhaps people are not staring, judging. Perhaps if they are it's because I give them a reason to.

Today it was 9:00pm and I needed to take my Depakote. So far I've been very good about taking it within 10 minutes or 9:00pm every day since I started treatment in late April.

Yesterday morning I woke up late for work around 8:30am and could barely drag myself out of bed. When I did, I couldn't stop hyperventilating and I was lightheaded and couldn't see straight. I crawled back into bed and had my boyfriend call the hospital. They said to call again or take me to any emergency room if the symptoms hadn't subsided by 11:00am. I don't remember whether or not they had subsided; I was asleep. I slept for 16 hours Sunday night-Saturday afternoon. I'm still a bit zombie-like but all in one piece.

But I digress. It was 9:00pm and I was with a couple guys on the north side of Seoul (old people central) shooting a pitch for a film based on A Kyopo in the Motherland and I didn't have any liquid with which to swallow my medication. Having read that Depakote was originally made for seizures and happened to work for bipolar disorder as well and that if a person who starts taking such a medication stops taking it suddenly he or she runs the risk of having a seizure, I did what any good girl would do. I panicked a little and walked around looking for a convenience store or vending machine.

There was a traditional snack shop thing (no walls, hence me adding 'thing' at the end) manned by an old man and an old woman. I asked the woman, who was closest, if there were any convenience stores around where I could buy some water for my pills. She said I could just have some of the water from their cooler. I thanked her kindly as she took the empty pill pocket from me to throw away, and she asked me what kind of sickness I had.

Usually, the expected answer is a cold, because Koreans go get 5 pills which they take 3 times per day when they get a slightly stuffy nose. Awareness of mental disorders in Korea is low and stigmas high, and conservative, uninformed people run rampant judging the clinically moody. I'm sure she expected I just had a cold.

I looked her straight in the eye and said kindly with a little smile (in Korean of course), "I have a mental disorder."

The look on her face was priceless.

And that my friends, is my devilish act of the day. I may seem nice in person, but I just creeped that woman out like you can't imagine. The anger inside has been fed and is temporarily satisfied.

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