Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Choices and Failure

Preparing to go home is a lot of work.

I can't seem to find a new tenant for my apartment, and I'm having trouble selling my stuff (although I came up with an online auction idea and asked my friends to bid for items).

My plane ticket is for December 8th and I will leave my place probably on the last day of November to stay with a friend for a week. I will work until December 5th.

But the hardest part of preparing to go back is preparing emotionally.

When I came to Korea, the world was at my fingertips. I could do anything and I was free. But now the constraints of visa issues and financial problems have come down like a net around me and I'm no longer free. The world had turned its back on me and is walking away, out of reach. I have made my choices and they have led me here to failure. I am not going back to the States with my head held high; I am going back with my tail between my legs begging my mommy to save me.

Yes, I have a few companies interested in interviews with me when I get to CA, but none of them are sure things and I'm afraid to fail again. And again. And again.

When I look at myself through others' eyes, I am a strong, independent woman who has lived more than most people my age or even older. I am bright and friendly, creative and intelligent. My honesty is endearing, as is my smile.

When I look at myself through my own eyes, I am a weak, dependent little girl who has made stupid choices that have brought me to a corner that I have to back out of and start over. I am scared of social situations and have lost most of my creativity and curiosity as I've become jaded as I age beyond my years. I am honest to a fault and I don't care, and my smile is only real some of the time. I am afraid of everything, and I have nothing to show for my effort.

I could just teach English and all my troubles would go away, but I don't want that career path. So in others' eyes, where I feel I have failed, could it be that I have made a choice to try for something better?


  1. I have read your blog throughout the years and I believe that the closing of this chapter is a good thing, as there are more amazing opportunities waiting for you out there. You sound like such a beautiful and talented person that has lost her confidence in life, but you will get your life back to happiness. I wish all you the best Kristin, because you have not only closed one chapter, but opened a new one in your life that needs your confidence to make it shine as the stand out chapter at this moment in time. This is your life Kristin, and the opportunities out there are endless and not restricted to Korea or the US. Go out there and make it happen! :)

  2. Everyone, in their own internal gaze, has countless failures, real and perceived. Everyone has doubts and insecurities - things which are seldom ever seen by others.

    Courage is pressing onwards, despite fears and failures, into the ever unknowable future.

    Things aren't going quite to plan, but that isn't a failure, Kristin. The only failure is in giving up. Adapting to circumstance and trying a new direction is not giving up.

    I can't really think of a way to end this, that isn't overly cliche: Give 'em hell out there in California, Kristin.