Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Insomnia and Fogged Windows

I am not neglecting this blog because I'm busy or forgot about it. I merely have nothing to write. The days are blurring together. I have no idea what to do with my life or how to do it. I don't know where to start. I feel useless and small, unimportant and afraid. I am a child in an adult's body. The day after my 21st birthday, I was on a plane to the other side of the world to start a new life. The day after my 25th birthday, I felt like I was still 21 and that my time in Korea was a dream.

I am hitting the dating scene again. Apparently I'm into Indian guys now. I have the strangest taste. Luckily, Indian guys are also into me. It works out well for everyone. If only I felt like I deserved the attention. But I'm unemployed, in a rut, with no future. My best bet is to become a trophy wife and stay at home cleaning, raising children, and playing piano all day. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Not that being a housewife is a bad choice; it's just a bad choice for me. I need to do something.

I signed up to be a Red Cross volunteer. I have orientation on April 23. I want to help with one of the international departments. There's one program that helps refugees and immigrant families settle here. There's another that helps people find their lost family members all over the world. I'm hoping my volunteering can help me build a career in the helping people globally arena.

I keep thinking about stories of famous people who had hopeless times and pulled through to do something amazing. I keep thinking about all the other people who had hopeless times and were swallowed by their lack of destiny to die or lead useless lives. I keep wondering which type of person I'll be. When I was in high school, I was a waitress in a restaurant. One of my managers was a woman in her 50s who had two sons, both of whom worked at the restaurant at one point or another. One was in and out of jail, the other fighting alcoholism. That scares me to death. That could be me. That could be anyone. I know that's silly of me to think; I already have something they didn't: a university degree and corporate experience. But it still keeps me up at night.

Everything keeps me up at night these days. Thoughts about nothing, about darkness and hopelessness, about my past and about my future. My past is becoming foggy like a car window on a cold day. I try to draw a smiley face in the fog and see through the eyes, but it's still unclear and far away. My future is still a black hole that swallows day after day of the present. I can't sleep at night so I sleep all day. My housemates are getting worried. I don't know if I care enough about myself to fix it, but I care enough about them. Especially my brother. I'm trying not to sleep all day anymore.

My body is reacting negatively to California. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. But I'm not used to the particular plants and the scent of the air and I'm allergic to everything this spring. I had allergy induced asthma as a kid and had 6 years of allergy shots to cure it. It mostly worked, but every spring or every time I sleep next to a cat I cough a lot. My housemates are worried I'm dying. I know it will pass. It's very obnoxious, though.

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