Friday, December 12, 2008

Starting to Clean

I started cleaning my room today (it really needed it after all the neglect it's had this busy semester) and as I was going through my years' worth of belongings I realized that most of them are not important. I have at least 100 pairs of earrings, and only about 15 are worth keeping. I have a tiny glass orca whale that sits on a little mirror that suddenly seems useless after years of being one of my favorite things. I have over $5 in pennies. Why have I kept all of these things? I have every card and letter I've received since elementary school. I don't even remember some of the people they're from. I've always had a tendency to horde because I feel like things have sentimental value or they will be useful eventually (i.e. broken jewelry and old shirts and jeans as fabric scraps) or I feel guilty getting rid of them because they are gifts or look somewhat valuable. But now that I'm trying to gradually make my way down to two suitcases and two carry-ons, I realize that many of my things are, in fact, of very little value to me. This completely opposite view from the last 20 years is really refreshing. I feel like I'm cutting away anchors and confinements.

I got an email from my stepmother, and one of the things she said struck me. She asked me what I'm really running away from. My answer that I will give her when I go home to each parent's house to talk about my decision is this: She has known me for almost 10 years. I would like to know when, out of all of those years, she ever saw me happy. I don't know what I'm running away from exactly, but I know that whatever I need to be happy is not here and it never has been. What has been here is personal growth. I can face this challenge I've made for myself with courage because I've moved so many times (6 cities, at least 10 houses/apartments/condos, plus 5 years of split custody on a switch-houses-every-two-weeks basis). I can face it because I've been hurt and healed so many times. I can face it because I can look back at the lonely, hopeless little girl I used to be and know that I've grown into an optimistic young woman with a lot of people who care about me. I can face it because I know I can't face the same thing any longer. New pain brings new lessons. Old pain just tells me that even though I figured them out and tried to fix them, the same problems will never leave me alone. I can face this challenge ahead of me because it's not so much what I'm running away from. There's really almost nothing here for me. It's what I'm running away to. I'm running away to a life that will be my own crazy, unpredictable, incredible journey without all of my baggage. I'm purging the black hole that lives in my heart when I think of the past and the direction I'm going as a direct continuation of the past. I'm bringing very little baggage, physically and mentally, to Korea. I'm ending my life as it has been. I am making myself be reborn.

So, this is me casting off my chains. To anyone I hurt, I'm sorry. To everyone who hurt me, I forgive you. Soon my cluttered wall will be as blank as the day I moved in. Soon my closet will be empty; no more monsters. Soon I will start over. Nothing can hold me back. I am spreading my wings and shaking them off in preparation to fly. Just try and catch me!

1 comment:

  1. Silly Ki-chan, we know you're really running away from me.

    I have that effect on women.