Wednesday, August 29, 2012

5 Minutes Inside My Crazy Bipolar Brain

For those of you who are bipolar, this will sound familiar. For those of you who are not, here's a look into what we deal with every day. These are a small portion of the thoughts that go through my head in 5 minutes.

I used to have no idea what was wrong with me. I was a depressed and sometimes short-fused young girl, and by college there was something dark growing inside me and threatening to rage out of control. It reached a climax earlier this year and finally drove me to seek treatment, which I have been receiving since April. It helps me, but I know that this beast will never be exterminated. All I can do is cage it.

I am sitting at my computer on a normal day. I have nothing to do until someone asks me for a consultation. One moment I'm enjoying myself, maybe playing a cell phone game in the privacy of my cubicle. The next minute I've subconsciously created a goal for myself that I must get a certain score on this level of the game before I can do anything else. It is of paramount importance. The problem is, I can't get the damn score. I begin to get anxious. Why can't I do this? It's just a game. I must be the best or it's not worth it, I think. It's just a stupid game, I tell myself, they make it hard so you pay money to get extra boosts and stuff. I'm good enough to get that score without boosts because I excel at everything, I think. Nobody excels at everything, I tell myself, and if you want to excel at something don't make it this stupid game. I run out of lives in the game and have to wait hours to get more. I failed. I'm a failure. I can't even get a stupid score in a stupid game.

I want to cry. I don't want to, I have to cry. I'm worthless, useless. If I can't even get the score I want in a simple game, how do I expect to get the job I want or the fame I deserve for being awesome at something/everything? I'm not as good as my mother, my brother, my father, my boyfriend, even my grandfather. I'm letting them all down because I'm a failure with no direction in life. I'm going to lose everything. Forget the game. It's not important, I'll beat it eventually because I'm awesome like that. I'm going to lose everything because I'm losing my job and the job I applied for on Monday hasn't contacted me yet and it's already Wednesday. Although maybe they took the day off yesterday because there was a big typhoon and it's a government job. But it's Korea and everything here is fast and they should have called by now. I didn't get the job. Should I email them? That would look desperate. I am desperate. How will I pay rent? How will I pay for my medicine? Bipolar medicine is the same as anti-seizure medicine, and once I start it if I suddenly stop I could have a seizure for the first time. I'm going to lose everything and have a seizure and I won't be able to pay the hospital bills and my boyfriend will leave me...

STOP IT. Everything is going to be fine. You've made it through worse situations. You've lost everything before and found a way to carry on. Twice, actually. You're freaking resilient. You have the job. They're just figuring out how to get you a visa; that's what they said and that's what they're doing. It will take a little time but you've basically got the job. You'll be able to pay your bills. If that job doesn't work out, there's a content developer job open near your house for TESOL stuff or something. You'll hate the job and it will be a bit of a career killer, but you'll make a living while you figure out what to do next. And hey, it won't be teaching. No matter what, you don't have to teach. It'll be okay. That game is stupid anyway. Just post something in your blog and watch the readers stats go up. People love you.

Hmmm yeah ok. Okay, I can hold back the tears. Big swallow. Deep breath. I'll get the job. I'll get the job. I don't believe it. I should work on starting that project I've been thinking about. That will take my mind off of things. Or I could write my speech for Toastmasters. Or I could text my boyfriend. NO! He's busy. Don't bother him. He gets mad. He'll hate me. He'll break up with me and my whole life in Korea will fall apart and I'll move back to the US and live on my mom's sofa like a bum. No, he doesn't hate you and he doesn't get mad. He sometimes gets a little annoyed but he's not gonna break up with you for texting him. Just don't do it because you respect his studying. His success is your success. But he's mine! If I want him I should- nobody belongs to anybody.

I wonder if I can play that level in that game again yet without paying money.

1 comment:

  1. I have more than a day in mine. Lucky you.