Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bipolar Hypomania/Mixed State

It feels like my internal organs are trying to sever themselves from my body; my lungs and heart are trying to break out of my chest and my stomach and intestines are slowly plunging downward. How much longer can I stay in one piece? I remember to unclench my jaw. It hurts, so I shake it back and forth. Now my stomach is trying to escape by way of my throat. I swallow it back down into place and stifle a scream of frustration. I am falling apart. My world is falling apart. My eyes burn with unshed tears I've trained myself not to let free. My eyebrows rest lightly in their places where I've trained them not to scowl. On my lips is a slight smile placed perfectly so nobody suspects I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I daydream of screaming obscenities as I break everything in sight and throw the pieces everywhere like my body is trying to separate and fly in a million directions. I want to punch things and push people and kick walls and wear myself out until everything physically hurts and then I want to cry. I want to wail like a mother who is watching her child burn alive and is helpless to save it. I want my screams of agony to be heard on the other side of the world, and when my throat is sore I want my silent wails to be heard on the other side of the universe. When I can't breathe because my lungs feel like they're on the floor I want to curl up into a ball in a dark, small, warm place and fall asleep. I don't want to dream. I don't want to wake up.

As I envision this progression over and over in my head, I keep my cool exterior. My slight smile tells you I'm listening and I care. My brilliant insights tell you my brain is concentrating on the task at hand. My medication stopped my essential tremor so my hands don't even shake, and I can control the fidgeting much better now so you don't think I don't want to be there.

Whenever I go for my outpatient check-up, I wish I were an inpatient. I want an excuse to scream and bang it all out in a straitjacket in a padded room.

This is how I feel when I'm most productive. This is hypomania, the form of mania where I don't lose touch with reality. I have bipolar II, which means I will never have a full manic episode. I wish I could. Then I wouldn't have to blame myself for all of my mistakes. Then I wouldn't feel like this. I would just be full-on crazy for a while and I would be sure I was sane. This.... I feel crazy and I spend a LOT of energy acting normal. What is normal? Not me. But if I knew, it might be easier to act like it. Maybe.

Right now I've got all my ducks in a row. I've been wanting to get some small bookshelves and a vacuum cleaner since I moved into my new place, and I finally set up a date to pick some up (this Saturday) that I found for cheap in good condition on Craigslist. I have applied for multiple jobs. I am doing a lot for Toastmasters, and I am reading up on how to start a Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance chapter here in Korea (which is sorely needed, in my opinion). I am also meeting people I've never met or haven't seen in a long time this week. The bathroom needs cleaning; I'm thinking of scrubbing it floor to ceiling even though I know it will hurt my whole body and I don't have time. I'm also helping with a short film this weekend.

None of the jobs have responded yet. This depresses me. That makes this a mixed state. I have all the doing-too-much and angry-at-everything symptoms of hypomania and the oh-my-god-nobody-wants-me-I'm-a-failure feelings of depression. I have a million things to do (hypomania) and no energy to do them (depression). This leads to what I call implosion. I just made that up. Just now. That feeling I described at the beginning of this post is implosion. My organs can't leave my body so they feel crushed inside.

Do you understand a little why I do the things I do? Why I came to Korea? Why I got married and divorced? Why I write tons of posts and then drop off the face of the planet, only to come back over a year later and write like a madwoman about completely unrelated things? Do I make a little bit of sense?

I'm imploding.

Feels like every other day.

P.S. It's raining. Another typhoon headed for us tomorrow, I hear.

1 comment:

  1. Each and everyone of us has certain bipolar state. Don't you agree with me?