Reverse Culture Shock and Reminiscences

Now that I've been back in the US for a few weeks, there are some things I've noticed about myself, about my country, and about Korea that I had taken for granted. It still aches to think about what I've left behind and I still feel my future is a black hole. It's like my ribs are made of rubber and every time I breathe my lungs and heart bend them backwards to try to escape from my body. I scream with no sound alone in my room and sob myself to sleep silently. I am homesick for a country that was never mine and a family with which I share no blood. But it's not all bad. I'm breaking the barrier between the present and the future with baby steps, and eventually I'll get my training wheels off and ride forward on my own again.

Name Change: No More Kristin's Korean Life

Yes folks, that's right. I've made it back to the US. I'm now in Silicon Valley, which is like a country of it's own.

I have already passed the written driver's test with flying colors and failed the behind-the-wheel test with a jerk of a tester, and I've found the bus stop that takes me to downtown San Jose, where I might get a job.

I have discovered the ups and downs of house sharing. I live with my brother, his girlfriend, a gay guy, and two straight guys. There's an Austrian girl coming in January so I'll either be kicked out or I'll be her roommate.

I have made a bank account with Bank of America and am scared of their overdraft fees.

I have a funny accent.

Welcome home, me. Welcome home.

I wish I were still in Korea.

The Future is a Black Hole Full of Promise

Will the job searching never end??
First I was job searching in Korea from January to March, then again from August to November, and now I've been job searching online for jobs in the South Bay area for about a month. I'm right where I started- nowhere!

The future is a black hole waiting to swallow me up and the next step I take will define what's on the other side. I hope it's not angry aliens. Ha!

Shameless Advertising

Dear readers,

I will move out of my apartment at the end of this month, and I still have a lot to get rid of. If you're in Seoul, this is a unique opportunity to meet me by buying my stuff. Just go to this website and see if there's anything you want. If there is, follow the directions on the home page to email me.

Thanks in advance for your financial contributions (I'm broke) and your help in lifting my material burdens so I can leave with less stress!

Kristin

Choices and Failure

Preparing to go home is a lot of work.

I can't seem to find a new tenant for my apartment, and I'm having trouble selling my stuff (although I came up with an online auction idea and asked my friends to bid for items).

My plane ticket is for December 8th and I will leave my place probably on the last day of November to stay with a friend for a week. I will work until December 5th.

But the hardest part of preparing to go back is preparing emotionally.

Korean Everydayness: Dental Hygiene

I can't believe I haven't written about this yet. Koreans and their love affair with toothbrushes: it's one of the strangest things about living here. That's not to say their teeth are any better-looking than Americans' on average, because they're about the same. It's just that Koreans spend so much TIME brushing their teeth... loudly. And in public. Often.

100% Sure I'm Going to CA

This blog will no longer be about my life in Korea after December this year because I won't be here anymore. I never heard from the company I had the interview with, and maybe it's for the best. If they had failed to get me a visa as well, I would be crushed and would end up going back to the US with less than what I have now- which is nothing.

Just thought you might like to know. Now back to blog titles... Kristin's Korean Life?

70% Sure

I haven't heard from the company I interviewed with last Friday. I told the CEO I needed to know by the first of November so there's still a slim chance but he said he'd get in touch by the end of this past week. Hence the title: I'm 70% sure I'm going back to the US at the beginning of December. I will post again on or after November first.

Actually, I'm a bit relieved. The choice has, for all intents and purposes, been made. I have come up with a creative way to try to sell all my things at prices that can actually help me. I have started making a mental list of everything I have to do. Get a new tenant and notify the landlord and pay associated fees but get my security deposit back. Cancel my cell phone contract and pay the rest on my phone. Pay back my friend who used to be my landlord for back utilities and security fees. Etc.

I already have a headache.

Job Interview

I had a job interview last Friday. It was a direct result of the job fair I went to at the beginning of the month and it lasted an hour and a half. I think it went well, but I have to wait and see. The company makes patient monitors and systems for hospitals, as well as some security recognition software and systems. It's really interesting. The only problem is that it's on the other side of Seoul so if I get the job (I'll find out this week) I will have to move again.

If I don't get the job, it's probably back off to the States for me in early December. I have one last thing to do for my current company just after the end of my 90 days in Korea, so I will take another trip to the small Japanese island of Tsushima to get my passport stamped. But that's it. No more of those trips.

If I get the job, they will give me a visa. The CEO seemed very confident about that. I only wish I shared his confidence.

Psychotherapy

I have started psychotherapy and had two sessions so far. I realized that it's very similar to what I do as an English tutor. Basically, the therapist asks a couple key questions here and there to keep me talking. This requires intense concentration and critical thinking on the therapist's part, as every word could contain a hint about what to ask next and what problems there are. In English tutoring, I hang on to every word to try to look for mistakes and chances to teach grammar, vocabulary, or idioms. But I also listen closely so I can ask key questions to keep my students talking. The thing they invariably end up talking about is themselves.

Crossroads

This morning I woke up hungry and realized there was no immediately edible food in my home. So I washed some dishes, made rice in the rice cooker, beat some eggs, made egg fried rice, and sat down to watch CSI: Miami with Korea subtitles on TV. This is my life, I realized as I lay down waiting for the rice cooker to finish the rice. My stomach hurt from walking around and doing things without eating first, and I was miserable because I didn't want to have egg fried rice again. This is my life.

I know it's only temporary, but it begs the question: what do I want in life?

Detroit is a Seoul Subway Beggar

I was walking from the subway station to my office and on the stairs between the two (my office's underground entrance is in a mall connected to the subway station) there was a beggar. This is not unusual for any city, and I must say that there are fewer beggars in Seoul than in New York if I remember right from my one visit there. What struck me was the receptacle he was using for money. It was a Detroit Tigers hat.

Employment! And Unemployment by Choice

I got a job! And I started this morning at 8:30am. I dislike it so much I have begged for my part time afternoon job back and started looking up plane ticket prices to go back to the US. Air China is the cheapest at $691 in mid-November, when my stay in Korea expires again. I could take another "visa vacation" and leave for half a day, get my passport stamped, lie at the border saying my visa is being processed, and get another 90 days, but I'm so tired.

Raindrops

Raindrops gather into streams on the pavement after a long journey from the sky.

They become "we" and forget "I".

Somehow the rain feels like me and the rivulets on the windows feel like everyone else.

Like they have all lost themselves.

But I know that's not true; I'm one of them, too.

A tiny raindrop connected to you.

Toastmasters CC#5: Spice Up Your Life with Salsa!

Spice Up Your Life with Salsa

About a year and a half ago, I had a Canadian coworker named Lisa who had started salsa dancing a couple of months before. She was obsessed. I mean, crazy about salsa. And she didn’t stop at being crazy about it- she wanted to make sure everyone else was crazy about it too. Every time I talked to her, she was like, “come to my salsa class!” “learn salsa with me!” “learn salsa!” “salsa salsa salsa!” Finally, I said, “If I go to your salsa class for one month, will you shut up?”

That’s when I learned to always say yes to new opportunities. Now it’s me telling everyone, “come salsa with me!” “salsa is amazing!” “salsa salsa salsa!” and salsa has been at the core of a long-lasting and supportive friendship between Lisa and me. Not only has salsa taught me to always say yes, it has also taught me to be flexible and to keep learning.

Korean Everydayness: Eating Out Together

I've seen one drive-thru in Korea. There are fast food restaurants, but people don't eat alone there as much as in the US. There are also kimpap chungkuk restaurants, which sell all sorts of cheap Korean food, where people sometimes eat alone. But most people eat together.

In the US, we don't think it's strange to grab a sandwich and eat alone at our desks if we're having a busy day at work. In Korea, it's almost unheard of. The whole team goes to the cafeteria or a restaurant with fast service together, eat quickly together, and go back to work together. It's just normal. Koreans eat together.

Bipolar Hypomania/Mixed State

It feels like my internal organs are trying to sever themselves from my body; my lungs and heart are trying to break out of my chest and my stomach and intestines are slowly plunging downward. How much longer can I stay in one piece? I remember to unclench my jaw. It hurts, so I shake it back and forth. Now my stomach is trying to escape by way of my throat. I swallow it back down into place and stifle a scream of frustration. I am falling apart. My world is falling apart. My eyes burn with unshed tears I've trained myself not to let free. My eyebrows rest lightly in their places where I've trained them not to scowl. On my lips is a slight smile placed perfectly so nobody suspects I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

5 Minutes Inside My Crazy Bipolar Brain

For those of you who are bipolar, this will sound familiar. For those of you who are not, here's a look into what we deal with every day. These are a small portion of the thoughts that go through my head in 5 minutes.

I used to have no idea what was wrong with me. I was a depressed and sometimes short-fused young girl, and by college there was something dark growing inside me and threatening to rage out of control. It reached a climax earlier this year and finally drove me to seek treatment, which I have been receiving since April. It helps me, but I know that this beast will never be exterminated. All I can do is cage it.

Unemployment by Visa

Once again, because of a visa problem and despite the fact that my coworkers and my boss want me to stay, I will be unemployed at the end of the week. Visa problems come suddenly and tear lives apart. I wonder, is this just in Korea? Or is this everywhere?

Toastmasters CC#4 Music: Art or Language?

Here is a draft of my 4th speech in Toastmasters.

What is art? What is a language? Is music an art or a language? For me, it's both, which is why I'm better at art, music, and languages than at other things like math and sports. (hahaha)

CA Vacation

Everything in the US is big. Serving sizes, people, noses, land, TV commercial run times, etc.

I miss it.

Here's a hello from San Jose, CA on my vacation.

More from Korea in a couple of weeks.

Sustainable Future

Batches of busy people bump and bustle as they fight to be first to floor on which they work.
The subway platform doors open and spew them out at two minute intervals, like they are a virus multiplying more quickly than the trains can purge them from the system.
I am one of those people.
I am a virus.
I feel like I'm in the Matrix when I say that.

Korean Everydayness: Slow Day at Work

Today is Monday. The bosses are out of the office. I have done all the work I have to do.There are a total of 7 other people in the office here today as far as I can count. It's so quiet I can't stay awake. So I am taking a break from doing nothing to listen to music through my headphones and make a blog post. I'll answer the question, "how did I get here?" by answering a couple of other questions.

1. Why do I have nothing to do?
2. Why doesn't anyone break the office silence?

Sizzling Seoul

It's hot.

And by hot, I mean I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West melting in my own sweat. But I can't tell if it's sweat or condensation from the humidity that saturates the air. There are large drops of sweat rolling down my back in a slippery, obnoxious march and it makes it difficult to buy clothes because everything has to hide the little saltwater soldiers. Tears run from my eyes because sweat gets in them. My eyelashes are like the eaves of the Korean houses I walk by on my way to work with a micro monsoon sending sweat down to my cheeks. Makeup, needless to say, is a useless venture, although I don't own anything but foundation, eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss that doubles as chap stick.

I'm Not in Singapore

For some reason, my work computer always sends me to the Singapore homepages for email, Blogger, Wordpress, etc. I keep up a blog about medical things for my customers, although I don't think they ever read it. I was hoping they would read the news articles carefully selected for neurologists and psychiatrists and discuss them with their colleagues as a way of improving their English. Korean doctors are keen on improving their English because they want to communicate more easily at overseas conferences and with foreign patients.

But, my home computer always sends me to the Korean sites. I wonder why this is?

I realized that I don't know anything about how the internet works except that it's a lot like a brain. Electrical signals are transmitted from computer (neuron) to computer (neuron) to receive and respond to stimuli. But where do these signals start? Where do they stop? Where are things actually stored? If we turned off (starved) every computer (neuron) in the world at the same time, would the data (memories) be lost or preserved?

Toastmasters CC#1 I'm a Person, Too!

This was my first Toastmasters speech, which is similar to some posts I made a long time ago saying that I wish people would stop staring, or that I was beautiful and smart and perfect and- wait that's what they're making me think! 
Icebreaker speech: "I'm a person, too!"

Good morning fellow toastmasters and welcome guests. Is anyone here a giraffe? A robot? A person? Aha! My name is Kristin and I'm a person, too. 

"Read More" on New Posts

Because there are a lot of posts on this blog, I'm going starting to put the "Read More" option on posts. That means that the post on the front page is not the full post; it's just the beginning. You can choose to read the whole post if something looks interesting. This way the front page will be cleaner and shorter.
-Kristin

Toastmasters CC#3 Anger Management

I have joined Toastmasters International. At first I went because my boyfriend is an active member, but now I've found it to be very good for my mental health and social skills, and having a place to give speeches that aren't presentations about how to give a presentation is nice. So I'll post my speeches here, not necessarily in order. CC means Competent Communicator, which is the first manual with 10 projects. The speech I'll write below was my 5th project, and I chose to make it an entertaining speech about anger management. I hope it's as effective in writing, or maybe more because I won't leave anything out.

  The escalator carries a mass of noisy people pushing and hitting each other slowly down the looooong slanted corridor as I take one step after another down the endless stairs.

  I've always been afraid of stairs, especially going down, because I imagine a different way to die with each step. But lately I'm more scared of the escalator. Of myself on the escalator. Of the way I want to push people down it because nobody in this city has any manners. 

  Can't they see that I'm fighting a rage hotter than a furnace that pushes against my chest and the backs of my eyeballs? Can't they see that if they push me on the subway one more time, I might finally break?

  I take another step down the endless stairs at Konkuk University Station and try to think of anything other than pushing that skinny girl in kill heels who looks like she forgot to wear pants today down the stairs.

Korean Everydayness: Medicine for Minor Problems

Korea has a proud 5000-year history, and one of the things that includes is medicine similar to (and sometimes exactly the same as) TCM, or Traditional Chinese Medicine.

Korea also has an amazing healthcare system subsidized by the government so they have a doctor's visit for less than $5 and get medicine for the same price.

Korea is also now an OECD country and technologically advanced, with a thriving biomedical industry.

What does this mean for minor sicknesses?

Being Crazy is Expensive

Fun title, right?

I mean crazy on a few levels:
1. Treatment for bipolar disorder
2. Living on the other side of the world
3. Refusing to take the easy job that would get me more money, a place to live, airfare home once a year, good health insurance, etc. because I don't want to steer my career in the English teaching direction
4. I'm sure there's more.

So why am I pointing this out? And why is this post so much shorter than my usual looooong posts?

Because I want to ask a favor of you, my readers. Please help me get more readers, because if I can get a lot of readers, maybe I can be one of those people who gets their blog turned into a book.

Then I'd be able to afford being crazy. For now, I just have to struggle with money and hope that my hard work pays off later. The problem is that it's hard to work hard when all the working I'm doing makes the bipolar symptoms worse. So I feel like I'm just running around after work and on the weekends trying to make ends meet and I can't prove myself at work and earn a raise. Conundrum!

Hence the book idea. Help!

Korean Everydayness - Morning Routine

I had a little poll, and the thing you wanted to read about most was "Korean Everydayness". As this is a very broad topic, I will do my best to pick a few things and write them here, but also to weave aspects of everyday life into all my posts like I used to do.

Let me walk you through a normal morning in my officetel, which means 'studio apartment'. Sometimes I will be me, and sometimes I will be a Korean person (I'm not totally Korean).

It's Not a Cold (Mwahahaha)

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

I would change me, because I want to change everything but that's impossible. Unless "everything" counts as one thing?

I wonder sometimes if the world in my head is more severe than the real world. Perhaps people are not staring, judging. Perhaps if they are it's because I give them a reason to.

Indie Films

For some reason, it feels like there are a lot of indie film directors and actors/actresses here in Korea. There are tons here in Seoul, and I've heard there are more in Busan.

This could be because they are big cities, or there could just be something cinematic about South Korea. I've taken up producing short films as a hobby now that I speak both English and Korean. Lots of small time directors here are English teachers trying to make a living and make a break. From my end, it's a fun way to spend a weekend.

For bilingual people with an interest in film but no training, I recommend this hobby because you can learn a lot, have some fun, and (rarely) make a little cash.

Personal Space

Here in Korea, the concept of personal space is underdeveloped at best when seen from a Westerner's eyes.

I think there are multiple reasons for this:

1. It's crowded. Seriously. No privacy, even in your own home, because almost everything is apartments and often your windows face another apartment.

2. Korean, like other Asian cultures, is traditionally communalistic, which I've  mentioned before I'm sure. Also, right now there are more of us foreigners here in Korea than there have ever been before, and we make up about 2% of the population. That means that in the history of Korea, the population has always been at least 98% Korean. One blood, one race. Many Koreans say this to me when they explain why their country doesn't want to give me a visa, or why people stare at foreigners on the street, or why Koreans get panic attacks when someone asks a question in English. As one race, added to the traditional culture, they feel that everyone is family. You don't feel uncomfortable squishing up against your mother, brother, or cousin if it's crowded, do you?

3. Ajummas. An ajumma is a middle-aged woman who feels entitled to do whatever she pleases no matter whose way she gets in, and often what she pleases is irrational or just downright strange. If I say "Ow!" in a subway station and a friend asks, "what's wrong?" an answer of "ajumma" suffices. What's especially strange about these women is that they act like they're in a hurry and everyone is in their way even when it's not crowded and the bus or subway train is obviously not coming for another 5 minutes. As with many things, our impression of people's manners does not come from the normal people who make at least a slight, if way short of useful, effort not to hit people or be otherwise annoying in public; rather, it comes from the extremists. Ajummas are the Al-Quaida of public places in Korea, the bulk of the population is the peaceful or at least normal majority of Muslim people, and we foreigners are the ones who feel that the rage of the whole nation is directed at us. But if you complain about this to any Korean, he or she will say that everybody gets annoyed about ajummas and that they're just part of life so Koreans just deal with them.


But what I don't understand is that with such a lack of the entire concept of personal space, Koreans are extremely conservative about intentional man-woman closeness and any type of hugging. Women hold hands with their girl friends in public, and men are comfortable with their arms around each other. But there are no hugs. In the US, I hug my female and male friends when I see them and when saying goodbye. I hug my family all the time. Koreans.... not so much. Actually, part of the reason I really enjoy salsa dancing is that it reminds of of that warm feeling I get from a platonic hug. And what we think of as totally harmless couple behavior is considered a grossly rude public display of affection. This can even be hugging each other on a crowded subway, when actually the distance between the boyfriend and girlfriend is the same as the distances between all the other people, but since they have their arms around each other and are smiling and flirting, it's suddenly to be admonished.

I guess Koreans could say the same thing about us. We hug so freely, but why are we so cold when it comes to same-sex friend touching here in Korea? I still think it's weird to hold a girl's hand while walking around, and I get all stiff and take any opportunity to "need" that hand for something else.

So what exactly is personal space and what defines acceptable touching or distance and where is the line?

Every culture defines this for itself, and I think it's constantly changing. Since I came to Korea 3 years ago, I've noticed that people hug slightly more. Maybe as a result of an ever-increasing influx of expats? Maybe because of Western dramas and movies? Maybe it's all in my head?

Tired

When I first came to Korea, I couldn't really speak Korean. After 3 or 4 months, I went to a convenience store on a totally normal day and picked out a few totally normal things. Let me note here that it is extremely difficult to spend more than 10,000 won (about $9) at a Korean convenience store. The kid at the checkout counter rang up my items and said the total in Korean. Yes, I understood what he said because I'd been there a few months, but I didn't say anything and just handed him a 10,000 won note I already had out. Also, the number was on the screen facing me. He said to me in Korean, "wow, your Korean is really good!"

That was the beginning.

I could say, in an accent like computer and a voice like fingernails on a chalkboard, "hello", and every Korean in hearing range would swoon. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But sometimes that's how it feels. I understand that it's still unusual, despite the growing number of foreigners learning Korean and graduating from Korean universities, to speak Korean as a non-Korean person. And I get that they're showing appreciation for my interest in their culture and language.

But here's the thing: it doesn't matter how much my Korean improves, people still say the same things to me about it that they did, to be generous, a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago I did not have the confidence to try reading a news article or watch a Korean movie without subtitles. I did not have the ability to have complicated business issues explained to me in Korean with a few English technical terms here and there and find the perfect way to express it in English. I still knew which of my Korean friends could speak English.

If saying "hello" and sounding like a tourist gets the same "wow, your Korean is really good" as saying "the main reason I left the US was that the economic situation was very stressful for me, as was my daily life, and as I have recently discovered I have bipolar disorder which makes me especially vulnerable to said stress", well, what's the point?

People still just want to be my friend for English or just because I'm white. But now there are other perks. They can have that amazing Korean-speaking white girl next to them at the shopping mall or laughing with them at the coffee shop. And, I get a lot of, "hey Kristin, can you translate this for me?" from people I barely know, and the thing is long and difficult and they don't expect to pay me.

So what's the point in trying to make friends here?

I realized recently that I have almost no close friends in the world. I left most of them behind in the US, and I've failed to make them here because dammit I can't trust anyone. I've been used, asked for sex like a cheap whore, shown off as an accessory in front of friends, propositioned to be a mistress, stalked, rumored about, fired for no good reason, left with unanswered phone calls and broken promises in times of need, and daily used for broken English practice by people of both sexes and all ages. Like I'm a vending machine or a service robot, the American 3000. Push a button, get your exotic service, no charge except feigning friendship.

I finally want to go home, but now there are more things keeping me here than drawing me home.

For one, I can get a job here. While there are almost no jobs here that are not English teaching, they do exist and I happen to have one of them right now. It's similar to English teaching but can become something else, and there are no children involved. I'm terrible with children. They love me. I want to jump off a cliff after 10 minutes with them.

I have a Bachelor of Science in International Studies with a Psychology minor. I can't get a job in the US until I've got years of experience and marketable job skills. Plus connections.

Secondly, of course I happened to meet my current boyfriend just before I got fired from Samsung earlier this year. Losing my job suddenly despite having signed a contract (they found a loophole) and being loved and respected by most of the people I worked with (about 300) plunged me into a deep depression. This boyfriend stayed by my side although he barely knew me. When I asked him recently why he did that, he said that he knew I would pull out of it and do well for myself again and he could wait. Since then, he's put up with some of the strongest bipolar mood swings I've ever had and he still has no intention of leaving my side. After everything I've been through relationship-wise, I did not want a boyfriend. He complicated things. I probably would have gone home to my mother if it weren't for him. Strange how good things happen when we don't want them to. But I guess we wouldn't appreciate how bright the good things are unless we can see them against a dark background. Whether I end up with this one for good or not, he has been integral to my survival over the past half a year and he will continue to be integral to my recovery for some time to come. And he can't leave Korea at this time. He's still in college (Korean men have to serve 2 years in the military, which pushes their graduation dates back; he's actually older than I). So no going home for me.

Thirdly, my doctor is here. I shouldn't go anywhere until I'm stable. On a related note, I don't think I could find a job so understanding of my situation anywhere else. My company is a pharmaceutical company specializing in CNS (including psychological) disorders, so when I call in sick because I can't get out of bed, nobody questions it. They know about the chemical interactions in my brain causing it, and consider it just as valid an excuse as having the flu.

And, the grand finale, the underlying trend in my life I want to break: I don't want to run away again. Yeah, it's hard. It's gonna be hard everywhere. I can avoid everyday stressors, for instance I just moved from a place far from work to one close to work so I don't want to punch people on the subway every day. But I can't run away without a clear path and a goal. I can't do that again. Look what happened last time I did that on a large scale. My life is f*%#ed up. I run from friendships at the first sign of trouble, attributing it to the other person's ulterior motives or less-than-desirable traits (often this can be good, but I could have run away from a few friendships worth keeping over the years). I run from change as quickly as I run toward it. I run and I run and I'm so tired. I never liked physically running, so why am I metaphorically running all the time?

I guess the point of this post is that I'm tired.

After just 24 years of living, I'm tired.

After just 3 years in Korea, I'm tired.

After just 2 months of treatment for bipolar disorder, I'm still tired and it's not going away.

I want................................. something. So much. I don't know what it is. Money? Peace? Answers? Whatever it is, I want it so badly my heart and lungs press against my ribs like they're being pulled by its magnetic force.

When I'm depressed, I tell my boyfriend, "save me" in Korean, which is closer to "please save my life". He says, "Don't you mean 'help me'?" I say, "no. I mean 'save me'." I don't know which I'm more afraid of: living or dying. The reason I've never considered suicide is that I don't want to give this feeling to the people who love me.

Maybe that's where the focus of depression and bipolar counseling should be: trying to prove that living is better than dying, for both the patient and all the people around him/her.

But what do I know? I'm certifiably crazy.

Taxi Drivers

I hate taxi drivers. Not all, but many. Let me tell you a few reasons why:

1. "I don't know the famous place you just asked me to go so I won't go there."

2. "I know my taxi light says I'm open for passengers and I'm just sitting in my cab on the side of a main road doing nothing but I'm on break so I can't take you anywhere."

3. "I'll just take this customer in circles and charge twice as much while making her late."

4. "Wow your Korean is really great. Let me speak to you in broken English the whole time about my limited experiences with other foreigners."

If you've got more, add them below in the comments!

Bipolar

I have been diagnosed by one of the leading experts in the world (who happens who practice at Seoul National University Hospital in Bundang) with severe bipolar II disorder. I think that explains a lot, don't you?

Now for anyone with an interest in how undiagnosed bipolar people view the world and live their lives, this blog can be very interesting.

The breaking point for me when I finally decided there was no way I was normal and I needed help was earlier this year.

Last year I left my ex-husband whom I had married too quickly for silly reasons I had rationalized to myself,but I stayed technically married for the visa while my company promised to get me a working visa... in November, in December, next week, finally tomorrow! I was subcontracted and the subcontracting company was going to sponsor my visa. The company I was employed at told my immediate supervisor at the company and my agent at the subcontractor the day before we finally went to get my visa that they would not employ any foreigners for the consultant position unless they had a marriage or other permanent residency visa. Without their contract I couldn't get a visa and without a visa I couldn't work. I was denied contract renewal. So basically I was fired.

At the same time, my ex-husband and his father had been calling me, my supervisor, and my agent harassing and making threats. And my marriage visa was due to expire in two months. Of course he would not sign extension papers. So since I didn't have a job anyway, I signed the divorce papers and plunged into a deep depression.

In my last month at work, I fell in love with one of the interns, and he stayed with me throughout the depression. For the first time in my life I was in love and deeply depressed at the same time.

After two months, I got a better job. It doesn't pay as much because it's a small company, but the job is perfect for me. I should be happy right? I started cycling. Up down up down up down.

That's when I knew.

I am bipolar. Looking back, I know I was since before I came to Korea. You can read this blog as memoirs of a bipolar traveler.

Long overdue edit at the suggestion of a reader:


Bipolar Disorder Infographic — Healthline

I'm pretty good at Korean now

Many people who come to Korea find that they can get by with just English. Korean and Japanese, which are grammatically structured almost the same, are much more difficult to learn for English speakers than, say, Latin-based languages. This is because they have absolutely nothing in common with English with the exception of traded words and a few coincidences. For example, in English we say "karaoke" and "sushi", and in Korea and Japan they have adopted words like "coffee" and "computer". One interesting coincidence is that in many languages around the world, the word for "mom" is similar. In Korean, it's "eomma". This is thought to be because the first sounds babies make tend to be incoherent ramblings with a lot of the "m" sound, which is the easiest consonant to make. Japanese is not one of those languages- "mom" is "haha".
한국에 오면 영어만 써도 살 수 있는 것을 알게 된 외국인이 많다. 영어 쓰는 나라에서 온 사람한테 라틴어 관련 된 언어보다 문법이 비슷한 한국어와 일본어가 훨씬 힘들다. 왜냐면, 영어랑 한국어의 비슷한 점은 서로 받았던 단어나 우연히 비슷한 단어 빼고 아예 없다. 예를들어 미국에서 "카라오케", "스시" 같은 일본어 단어를 쓰고 한국하고 일본에서는 영어에서 온 "커피", "컴퓨터" 같은 단어를 많이 쓰인다. 새계에 많은 언어로 "엄마"라는 단어가 이상하게 아주 비슷하다. 영어로는 "맘"이다. 아기들의 젓말이 대부분 그냥 의미 없는 소리 이고 그소리 중에 미음 발음이 만들기 쉬워서 많이 나온다고 생각이 있다. 일본어로는 오히려 "하하"라고 한다.

Anyway, I brought this up because I don't want to sound like I think English speakers who come here and don't learn Korean are idiots. If languages just aren't your thing, Korean and Japanese are just about impossible to learn. Fortunately for me, languages are my thing. I enjoy learning them and linking them to the culture as a whole. For example, Korean culture is traditionally communalistic, meaning that the whole is more important than the individual (as opposed to Western individualistic culture). I think this is related to the fact that the subject is optional and often omitted in Korean sentences, whereas it is mandatory in English sentences (with the exception of the command form). Languages are a hobby of mine. So it's no wonder that after 3 years in Korea I've reached a level of fluency which allows me to participate naturally in social settings and even understand about 80% of TV. Although I don't really watch TV much.
하여튼 그 말 하는 이유가 한국어 안배우는 한국에서 사는 외국인이 바보라고 말 하고 싶지 않다. 언어 재능이 타고났지 않았으면 한국어와 일본어 배우는것이 거의 불가능하다. 나는 해운이 언어 재능이 타고났다. 언어를 배우고 전체 문화랑 어떤 관련 인지 생각하기 좋아한다. 예를들어 한국은 전통적으로 공동체주의의 사회라고 개인보다 대형이 중요하는 문화가 있다 (반대는 미국같이 개인주의의 사회). 한국어 문장에 주어를 필요하지 않고 보통 지워도 돼는데 영어 무법으로는 주어 지우면 안됀다. 나한테 언어가 취미다. 그래서 당연히 3년동안 한국에서 살면서 편하게 한국인과 소통도 되고 티비 보면 80%정도 이해할 수 있는 수준으로 늘었다. 티비 많이 안보는데.

Rather than just tell you my Korean has improved, I have translated this entire post and if you also know Korean you will see that I'm not just faking or pressing "translate" in Google Translate and then copy-pasting.
그냥 한구어 실력이 늘었다고 말하는것보다 보여주는것이 더 큰 의미 있으니 이 포스트 다 직접 번역을 했다. 본인도 한국어를 할 수 있으면 거짓말 치거나 구글번역에 "번역하기" 늘어서 봍어넣기만 하는 것이 아닌 사실을 알겠다. ~영어로는 안썼지만, 여기 실수 많잖아요. 아직 많이 모른다는 느낌이 들어서 자랑하고 있는걸로 보지마세요.

 The point of this is to show that learning Korean is possible if you like it and keep at it.
이 포스트의 목표가 한국어를 좋아하고 배우려고 계속 노력하면 배우기 가능한다고 다른 외국인들한테 보여주는 것이다.

I don't have to explain myself

It's been about 2 years since I posted. I got married, opened a burrito restaurant in Andong, failed, moved to Seoul and worked at Samsung C&T for 14 months, in the middle of which I left my husband; in January this year I signed the divorce papers, losing my visa and my job, had a little breakdown, blah blah blah. Now I work at a pharmaceutical company at COEX Trade Tower in Seoul and am dating an architectural engineering major with a job waiting for him at Samsung C&T (where we met during his internship just before I got fired) next year, and I am trying to figure out how to move out of my overly expensive room in a luxury high-rise on the edge of the city. I think that about sums it up. Now instead of having a "here's my life story day by day" theme for this blog, I'm just gonna post whatever the hell I wanna post. Nice to see you all again. Also, I appreciate the emails from strangers with questions about Korea, but I request that you do not add me as a friend on Facebook because I don't actually know you, and then I end up wondering months later, "who is this person?" and that's just awkward for everyone.